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Old 01-04-2014, 05:11   #3361
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Re: The Joke Thread

Due to upcoming changes in the technology department as well as ever increasing threats both domestic and abroad on the Internet, we have been forced to put the following password related policies into effect as of today April 1, 2014

1. Any password change request will result in a $25 payroll deduction which will be seen in the pay period following the request. A "3-changes for $50" coupon will be made available shortly on Sharepoint.

2. Password complexity requirements have been changed. All passwords must now contain a minimum of 15 characters, and must include a capital letter, at least four digits, at least three punctuation symbols, exactly two ASCII extended characters, and must not be found in the English nor the Vulcan dictionary.

3. For extra security, when logging in you must enter your password twice; once forward and once backwards... every five minutes.

4. As a deterrent to writing down a password on a Post-it under your keyboard, Post-it notes will no longer be allowed on company premises.

5. One bad password attempt will result in an account lock and require a password reset. (see #1 above)

6. Should these measures prove ineffective we are considering a new high-tech three layer authentication system which would require you to call a security service and request a temporary password. The service will text message an unlock code to your cell phone. At that point you email that code back to the service and subsequently they will send you your access password in a registered letter.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding as we continue to adhere to industry best practices to keep our company's data and profits secure.

This email will self-destruct in 15 seconds.
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Old 02-04-2014, 00:34   #3362
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Re: The Joke Thread

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"



God replied:

I didn't recognize you!!!!!"

Sound like anybody you know?
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Old 03-04-2014, 03:42   #3363
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Re: The Joke Thread

Daddy , how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male!
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Old 03-04-2014, 03:51   #3364
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Re: The Joke Thread

A priest was walking down the streeet and came upon a boy who was killing samll ants with a hammer, all the while saying "damn ants, damn ants, damn ants"

The priest stopped the boy and said: "Son, all god's creatures have a purpose in this world. None are damned. Think about this and I'll come back tomorrow and you can tell me if you have found 3 of God's creations that have no purpose whatsoever".

The next the priest returned and found the boy hitting the ants again with a hammer. "son," he said. "Have you thought about our conversation yesterday? What three things in world have no purpose?"

The boy replied, " A nun's tits, a priest's balls and these God damned ants!"
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Old 03-04-2014, 05:26   #3365
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Re: The Joke Thread

How do you define "mixed emotions?"

It's when you see your mother-in-law driving your new Porsche off a cliff.
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Old 03-04-2014, 18:27   #3366
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carstenb View Post
How do you define "mixed emotions?"

It's when you see your mother-in-law driving your new Porsche off a cliff.
...or "missed opportunity"?

A bus load of [insert your least favourite group...perhaps lawyers or bankers?] going over that cliff with an empty seat...
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Old 03-04-2014, 19:33   #3367
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Re: The Joke Thread

One Day While Scaffolding
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
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Old 07-04-2014, 17:22   #3368
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Re: The Joke Thread

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay
marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
makes perfect Biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says; "If a man lies
with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
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Old 07-04-2014, 17:24   #3369
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Re: The Joke Thread

If you think lawyers don't have hearts......

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
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Old 08-04-2014, 16:56   #3370
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Re: The Joke Thread

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their arguments were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away", and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".

Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down.

A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
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Old 10-04-2014, 01:13   #3371
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young jewish boy is failing math. So his parents swnd him to a strict catholic school. After 6 months he brings his report card home. Straight A's in every class his mom looked and said great job but why the big change. Ishmael looks at his mom ans says. ..I knew they were serious about math when I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign

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Old 10-04-2014, 08:30   #3372
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Re: The Joke Thread

A precious little girl walks into a pet store and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

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Old 11-04-2014, 17:26   #3373
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Re: The Joke Thread

3 Questions for Engineers...



Question 1:

How much does a 2,200 sq. ft., 3 bedroom,
2 bath house with a 2 car garage weigh?
Question 2:

How much weight can a rural 2-lane bridge hold?

























And






Question 3:
WOULD THIS BE COVERED BY
HOME INSURANCE,
CAR INSURANCEOR DOESIT COME UNDER ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE?
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Old 11-04-2014, 21:39   #3374
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Re: The Joke Thread

sorry the pictures are not showing up

try this
Click image for larger version

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Click image for larger version

Name:	ATT00010.jpg
Views:	241
Size:	90.7 KB
ID:	79166
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Old 12-04-2014, 06:39   #3375
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenn C
sorry the pictures are not showing up try this
Add electricity and a water hookup, they should be good to go. The garage is a little tricky though.
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