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Old 31-03-2014, 00:44   #3346
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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies,

'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied

Coops.
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Old 31-03-2014, 00:47   #3347
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Re: The Joke Thread

Paddy's fingers
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut
off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' DA fingers and I'll
see what OI can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got DA fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got DA fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring DA fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,

' How DA fock was I 'spose to pick dem up????

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Old 31-03-2014, 00:52   #3348
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Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 11:48 am Post subject: Reply with quote
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot..'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'

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Old 31-03-2014, 00:54   #3349
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Re: The Joke Thread

A couple was invited to a masked costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left hiscurrent partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening but you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

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Old 31-03-2014, 09:25   #3350
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q: How many IT professionals does it take to change a lightbulb?








A: Did you try turning the light off and then on again?
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Old 31-03-2014, 09:25   #3351
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q; How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?









A; None, they just declare darkness to be the standard.
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Old 31-03-2014, 09:26   #3352
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?



A I don't know wanna go ride bikes?
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Old 31-03-2014, 09:27   #3353
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Re: The Joke Thread

How many Air Force officers does it take to change a light bulb?


Two.

A captain to assure you that everything possible is being done to rectify the situation as quickly as possible to minimize any impact to the mission, while a 2nd Lt. screws the light bulb into a water faucet...
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Old 31-03-2014, 09:28   #3354
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Re: The Joke Thread

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None.

They just beat the room for being black.
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Old 31-03-2014, 09:32   #3355
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Re: The Joke Thread

How many Scholarship College Football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?




Just one - but he gets 3 credit hours for it.
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Old 31-03-2014, 10:31   #3356
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Weatherhelm View Post
Q; How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?









A; None, they just declare darkness to be the standard.
None its a hardware issue

wondering around with no destionation
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Old 31-03-2014, 14:11   #3357
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Re: The Joke Thread

TWO blokes are chatting in their hospital beds.
“What are you in for?” says the first.
“Camera down the throat,” the other replies.
“Oh, endoscopy?” the first man asks.
“Yes,” he says. “Checking for stomach cancer. What about you?”
“Camera up the back passage,” he says.
“Oh, colonoscopy. Checking for bowel cancer?” quizzes the second man.
“No, my sexy next door neighbour was sunbathing topless and my wife caught me taking a photo.

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Old 31-03-2014, 14:23   #3358
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
TWO blokes are chatting in their hospital beds.
“What are you in for?” says the first.
“Camera down the throat,” the other replies.
“Oh, endoscopy?” the first man asks.
“Yes,” he says. “Checking for stomach cancer. What about you?”
“Camera up the back passage,” he says.
“Oh, colonoscopy. Checking for bowel cancer?” quizzes the second man.
“No, my sexy next door neighbour was sunbathing topless and my wife caught me taking a photo.

Coops.
Hehehe

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Old 31-03-2014, 15:41   #3359
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Re: The Joke Thread

I may not be everybody's cup of tea, I'd rather be someones shot of tequlia


Sings "cuz tequlia makes her cloths fall off"........

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Old 31-03-2014, 18:43   #3360
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Re: The Joke Thread

One from home....


Boudreux sittin' on his porch see his buddy Thibodeaux comin up de bayou in him pirougue with a load a greenery. Boudreaux holler "What you got there you?"

Thibodeaux holler "I got me some turtle grass.... gonna catch a mess o' turtle me..

Boudreaux say " Yeah, lemme know how dat work out you"

'Bout tree hour later Thibodeaux come back down de bayou wit a boat load of turtle.

Next day here come Thibodeaux with more greenery... Boudreaux holler, "what you gots today. Thibodeaux say "I gots a load o' duck weed. Gonna get me some duck. Boudreaux say "Yeah.... right"

Bout tree hour later Thibodeaux come back down de bayou wit a boat load of duck....

Next day Thibodeaux come by and Boudreaux say "What you got today?"
Thibodeaux say... "I got a load of pussy willow..."

Boudreaux holler... " Hold up a minute, and lemme get my coat!"
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