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Old 18-03-2014, 16:47   #3316
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Re: The Joke Thread

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to
handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla
was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Colin, a big
Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Colin, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy
a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a
solution.

Colin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex
with the gorilla for $500?

Colin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over
carefully.

The following day, Colin announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions:

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what his third condition was.

"Wull," said Colin , "You gotta give me another week to come up with the
$500.

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Old 18-03-2014, 19:52   #3317
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Re: The Joke Thread

Easy way to get power windows for the car?

How to easily get power windows on your car. [VIDEO]

Coops.
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Old 23-03-2014, 01:15   #3318
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Re: The Joke Thread

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Who put the "s" in the word "lisp"?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

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Old 23-03-2014, 10:52   #3319
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Re: The Joke Thread

Oh so funny!! Ok. I admit it. I have done many of those before!!
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Old 23-03-2014, 11:19   #3320
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
...Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Coops.
I knew a couple who would keep their house heated to 80 deg F in winter and air conditioned down to 70 deg F in the summer.
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Old 23-03-2014, 13:50   #3321
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hud3 View Post
I knew a couple who would keep their house heated to 80 deg F in winter and air conditioned down to 70 deg F in the summer.
Hud,
This is not a crazy as one would think. There is a technical basis for it. If the walls of the house are not well insulated they will be cold. A big component of your comfort is the radiation part. Cold walls, less radiation, lower comfort. So, in the winter people increase the air temp, convective heat, to make up for the reduced radiation.
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Old 23-03-2014, 22:15   #3322
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Re: The Joke Thread

Either that or they couldn't afford a separate sauna.
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Old 26-03-2014, 04:44   #3323
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Re: The Joke Thread

A new study has found that women with large bums live longer than men who mention it!

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Old 26-03-2014, 20:29   #3324
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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from, so when she walks up he asks, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Immediately his mind starts racing and he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and asks, "Are you the stripper from Joe's bachelor party two years ago that I made love to on the pool table?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's homeroom teacher."
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Old 29-03-2014, 17:31   #3325
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Re: The Joke Thread

An 80-year-old Wisconsin Farmer goes to the Mayo Clinic for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How
do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Wisconsin and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight feeding cattle, mending fences, planting, baling hay, and when I'm not doing that,

I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Wisconsinite. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's aWisconsin Farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he
died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. Getting married!!...????

Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
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Old 29-03-2014, 17:32   #3326
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Re: The Joke Thread

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Stillwater, Minnesota for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Minnesota and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time,and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Minnesota ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Minnesota ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Minnesota ."
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Old 29-03-2014, 20:48   #3327
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Re: The Joke Thread

Why do 7-11's have locks on them when they are open 24/7?

wondering around with no destionation
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Old 29-03-2014, 21:23   #3328
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 29-03-2014, 21:33   #3329
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Why do 7-11's have locks on them when they are open 24/7?

wondering around with no destionation

To keep customers from wandering into the crime scene after it's been robbed.
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Old 29-03-2014, 21:39   #3330
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
To keep customers from wandering into the crime scene after it's been robbed.
I guess the police cars and yellow tape is not enough of a deterrent?

wondering around with no destionation
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