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Old 12-03-2014, 13:30   #3301
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Re: The Joke Thread

THE ALIENS
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
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Old 13-03-2014, 07:23   #3302
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Re: The Joke Thread

Why Old Guys Stay Unemployed.


Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Older Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Older Man : "I don't really give a **** what you think."
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Old 13-03-2014, 09:58   #3303
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Why Old Guys Stay Unemployed.

Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Older Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Older Man : "I don't really give a **** what you think."
Been there, done it. Was kind of liberating, too.
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Old 13-03-2014, 18:52   #3304
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Tantalus View Post
Been there, done it. Was kind of liberating, too.
No kidding? Really?

Was the interview something you were just playing with? As in; why take the time just for that?

If the story sounds like a joke then it fits the thread.
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Old 13-03-2014, 23:00   #3305
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No kidding? Really?

Was the interview something you were just playing with? As in; why take the time just for that?

If the story sounds like a joke then it fits the thread.
The interviewers attitude just pissed me off
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Old 14-03-2014, 02:57   #3306
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Re: The Joke Thread

My Wife laughed when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.....

Should have seen her face when I drove pasta!


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Old 14-03-2014, 02:59   #3307
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Re: The Joke Thread

Bloke walks into toy store for a little girls birthday present.

Wants a Barbie doll.

Ok $19.95 each that's for Beach Barbie, or BBQ Barbie, or Dress Up Barbie, or many others.

What about that one? pointing to the one at the shelf top.

Nope, you can't afford her, she's $299.95

Why is that?

She's Divorced Barbie. Comes complete with Ken's House, Ken's Car, Ken's Boat, Ken's Bank Account, and Ken's Super.

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Old 14-03-2014, 04:42   #3308
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Re: The Joke Thread

She takes this very well.



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Old 14-03-2014, 14:29   #3309
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Re: The Joke Thread

LOVE LOGICAL OLD PEOPLE!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens & a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem--how to carry all his purchases home!
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time!"
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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Old 14-03-2014, 16:35   #3310
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Re: The Joke Thread

Because it's Friday...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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Old 14-03-2014, 22:07   #3311
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 15-03-2014, 14:46   #3312
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The Joke Thread

Love the cartoon!!
Happy Pi Day! March 14 (3.14)
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Old 16-03-2014, 05:07   #3313
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Re: The Joke Thread

Harry goes to the doctor complaining that when he breaks wind it sounds like he is saying honda.
Doctor examines him but can find no clue to the cause of the problem.
He discusses Harry's diet and recommends avoiding onions, baked beans, garlic and chilli etc.
After 3 days this has had no effect. It still sounds like he is saying honda when he breaks wind.
Harry returns to the doctor for further diagnosis.
Doctor decides to send Harry to a Japanese doctor for 2nd opinion.
Japanese doctor examines Harry thoroughly and then makes a phone call. He tells Harry to go to the lift and go up to the 3rd floor where he will be met by a man who will fix his problem.
Harry arrives at the 3rd floor, when the doors open he sees man in a white coat who ushers him into a room that is obviously a dental surgery.
Harry tells the man "Mate there's some mistake I've got a problem with wind not my teeth.
Dentist insists Harry sits in the dental chair and tells him he has a bad tooth that needs to come out.
Tooth is extracted and Harry breaks wind with relief. No sound
Harry exclaims I just broke wind and it didn't sound like I said honda!
Dentist nods and says "All good, abscess gone.'
"I don't get it " says Harry


Dentist says "Simple, abscess make the fart go Honda!

T1 Terry
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Old 17-03-2014, 02:55   #3314
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Re: The Joke Thread

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."



The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you. "

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.You'll really love my place.The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????

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Old 18-03-2014, 16:46   #3315
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Re: The Joke Thread

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"? inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.


"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".

T1 Terry
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