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Old 06-03-2014, 23:48   #3286
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Re: The Joke Thread

Possibly an old one, but here it is ...

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!" "No matter" said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied "... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!"

WAIT! WAIT! There's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty".

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but... "HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER".

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Old 07-03-2014, 15:10   #3287
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
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Old 07-03-2014, 19:05   #3288
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Re: The Joke Thread

From the oldies, but goodies department, here is some always-timely life advice...

We pass this on to you because we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr.Phil show, I finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you started.

So I looked around my house to see things I had started and hadn’t
finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Cardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of
Kehuha, a pockage of Tim Toms , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum
scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
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Old 08-03-2014, 18:17   #3289
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The Joke Thread

Luckily for this oldie but goodie- I can't remember the jokes from the beginning of this thread!!
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Old 08-03-2014, 20:04   #3290
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Senior Prenuptial Agreement
An elderly couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk...
She said: "I want to keep my house."

He said: "That's fine with me."

She said: "I want to keep my Cadillac."

He said: "That's fine with me."

She said: "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."

He said: "Put me down for Fridays."
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Old 08-03-2014, 22:32   #3291
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Re: The Joke Thread

You know you are in Australia when:

1.The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.

2. Hot water comes out of both taps.

3. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

4. The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.

5. You discover that in February it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

6. You discover that you really can get sunburnt through your car window.

7. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

8. You breakout in a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

9. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

10. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

11. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

12. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

13. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

14. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.

15. You can catch a cold from having the aircon full blast while you sleep during the night.

16. You pray that your train will have air-conditioning, and if it doesn't, waiting an extra 15 minutes for one is worth it.

17. You wear your thongs to the waters edge because the sand is too hot to walk on with bare feet and you still have to get back to the esky after you have had a swim

18. You can cook eggs and bacon on the barby plate without lightig a fire

You know you're an Aussie when you know which one of these isn't true

T1 Terry
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:48   #3292
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Re: The Joke Thread

Geez, I thought they were all true! I was planning on emigrating.
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Old 10-03-2014, 18:24   #3293
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man walked into a Catholic Church Confessional.

He tells the Priest:
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a politician."


The Priest responds:
"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not discuss your community service!"
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Old 10-03-2014, 18:29   #3294
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Re: The Joke Thread

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
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Old 10-03-2014, 18:32   #3295
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Re: The Joke Thread

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full
of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my
airm."

HRH is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who
immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and
asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."

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Old 10-03-2014, 18:39   #3296
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Re: The Joke Thread

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after

a16-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque,

she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

and tries to write with it.


When she realises her mistake,

she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing

a beat, she says: ‘Well, that's great...that's just great.

Some arsehole's got my pen!
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Old 10-03-2014, 22:40   #3297
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Re: The Joke Thread

The bishops decided to give the Pope a treat for his 80th birthday, anything he wanted...

'Father, what would you like for your birthday?'

'My son, I would like a woman, a prostitute, sent to my quarters for a few hours. I've never had a woman before , but there are several conditions, firstly she must be blind.'

'Why must she be blind?'

'So she can't see that she is having sex with the pope.'

'Oh, anything else?'

'Yes she must be a deaf mute so she cannot identify me by my voice or go out into the world and tell people she has had sex with the pope.'

'OK, we will see what we can do'

'And one more thing..... she must have big tits....'

'Why must she have big tits..??'





'Because I like big tits..............'
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Old 10-03-2014, 23:39   #3298
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Maori bloke goes down to the Melbourne wharf looking for work and comes up to the captain of a fishing boat and says,'Hey Capt'n got any work for Me?'
The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says 'Fill this out and bring it back to me'. So two days later the Maori brings it back and gives it to the Captain.

The captain takes a quick look at it and says 'OK, you're hired, now go on board and find something to do..'
Just then, this Sudanese guy comes up to the captain and says, 'Looka work, needa work.'

The captain tells him 'OK you're hired.'
The Maori is standing right there and asks the captain 'Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like that, Why?"

Captain replies 'He's got an honest face'.

The Maori sighs and walks onto the boat, all upset.
A few days later, they're out to sea and the Maori is up in the crow's nest looking for reefs and the Sudanese guy is down on the deck mopping the deck. Just then, this huge wave comes along and washes the Sudanese guy overboard.

The Maori gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the Captain's office and says:

"Remember that Sudanese guy you hired with the honest face?

Well, he just ****ed off with your mop!"
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Old 11-03-2014, 15:21   #3299
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Re: The Joke Thread

Her First Date
> If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
> when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
> date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
> Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first
> date that a woman had ever had. The winner described her worst first
> date and there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the
> prize!
> She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
> taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
> It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
> had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
> until they were headed home late that afternoon.
> They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
> realize that she should not have had that extra latte. !! They were
> about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle
> of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did
> for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going,
> there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let
> her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
> They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
> pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
> so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
> Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
> indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
> think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
> nature of the situation.
> Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
> she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
> were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
> to flagpoles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage
> her exposed flesh from the icy metal.. It was quickly apparent that
> she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
>
> Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
> answered her date's concerns about' what's taking so long' with a
> reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
> assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with
> her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he
> burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally
> managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously,
> as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real
> problem.
> Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
> the grip of the icy metal!
> Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
> place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
> free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded
> to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
> As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show
> prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.
> Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being
> pissed off.'
>
> Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
> sitting next to her on the Leno show.
>
> If you laughed at this pass it on.
> Remember, If you haven't got a smile on your face and
> laughter in your heart, then you are just a sour old fart!

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Old 11-03-2014, 18:41   #3300
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus
"Don't you mean Martini" says the barman
The Roman replies "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it"

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