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Old 15-02-2014, 13:27   #3226
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Re: The Joke Thread

So I gunned down 15 thugs and hoodlums for my girlfriend yesterday.

Turns out she wanted Valentines Day mascara.

Coops.
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Old 15-02-2014, 15:17   #3227
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Re: The Joke Thread

I like this, if it was off the cuff it is brilliant.

Mary Carillo's epic badminton rant from the 2004 Olympics. [VIDEO]

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Old 15-02-2014, 16:19   #3228
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Re: The Joke Thread

This why we should respect the environment.

How Not To Instagram - YouTube
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Old 15-02-2014, 19:40   #3229
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
I like this, if it was off the cuff it is brilliant.
Ahh! the baby duck rescue of '94...
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Old 16-02-2014, 19:20   #3230
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Re: The Joke Thread

Jacked this one off the Bristol Boat Owners group on Yahoo.

Sailor Joke
An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him. "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?
The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"
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Old 17-02-2014, 09:06   #3231
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
Read it 4 times before I could spot it.

I didn't get it until I read your post replying to the original-3 times!
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Old 17-02-2014, 10:51   #3232
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Re: The Joke Thread

Today is "Presidents Day" in the United States.

A little John Phillips Sousa Stars and Stripes Forever in celebration...

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Old 17-02-2014, 20:58   #3233
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by capt-couillon View Post
Today is "Presidents Day" in the United States.

A little John Phillips Sousa Stars and Stripes Forever in celebration...
I almost didn't click on it. It was obvious what it was going to be, right?

But that's the funniest thing I have seen in a long time...

-dan
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Old 18-02-2014, 07:33   #3234
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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy went on an expedition on the Amazon, and on his return, he noticed a tiny spot on his forehead which seemed to be growing.

So he saw his doctor, who took a swab.

He then got called back, and the doctor spoke seriously.. "I am afraid you have picked up a really rare tropical disease, for which we have no cure at present.

Crestfallen, the guy asks " What's going to happen to me Doc?"

"Well I'm afraid a penis is going to grow from the location of that spot, and will continue to grow until it is a quite large size"

"OH NO DOC, TELL ME IT ISN'T TRUE! So every morning, when I look in the bathroom mirror, I will see this giant penis???"

"Well no, because your testicles will block your view"
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Old 18-02-2014, 07:34   #3235
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Re: The Joke Thread

Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:...

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people….'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and started his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral:
Never, Never, Never Be Late
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Old 18-02-2014, 07:40   #3236
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Re: The Joke Thread

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire
to put his penis in the pickle slicer.


Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought
professional help from the factory psychologist. After six
months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist
gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it,
otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind.



The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His
wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had
happened.



For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his
tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He
went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did
it, and he was immediately fired.



Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly
yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal,
completely-intact penis.



She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the
pickle slicer?"






Yossel replied, "I think she got fired too."
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Old 18-02-2014, 08:06   #3237
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Re: The Joke Thread

Diary Of Wisconsin & Arizona


Diary Of Wisconsin & Arizona
Dear Diary:
August 2: Moved to our new home in Wisconsin. It is so beautiful here. The forests are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them all covered with snow. God's Country. I love it here!
October 14: Wisconsin is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turning and beginning to color. I love the bright shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through a beautiful forest and spotted some deer. They are so graceful. They are certainly the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise!
November 11: Deer Season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I really love it here!
December 2: It finally snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks just like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I love Wisconsin.
December 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland, but pretty cold!
December 19: More snow last night. Couldn't even get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling this stuff. Darn that old snow-plow!
December 22: More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters from shoveling this crap. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the damn driveway, then he plows the ****ing street, the *******!
December 25: "White Christmas" my busted ass! More ****ing snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the stupid bastard. Why don't they use more salt on the roads to melt all this ice.
December 28: Guess what? More white **** fell last night. Been inside since Christmas ****ing day except for shoveling out the driveway every time the "Snow Plow from Hell" comes by. Can't go anywhere, the car's buried in a mountain of frozen white ****. The weatherman says to expect another 10" tonight. Do you know how many shovels- full of white **** 10" is?
January 1: Happy ****ing New Year! The weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white **** this time. At this rate, it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road and the shithead driver had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I'd already broken 6 shovels digging out from under all the white **** he pushes back into my driveway and broke my last shovel over his God damned head.
January 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a God damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit the ****er. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those worthless deer ****-dropping road hazards should be exterminated. Wish the ****ing hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3: Took the new car to the garage in town. Would you believe the body is rusting out from all that ****ing salt they dumped on the roads all winter. My car looks like a piece of ****!
July 1: Moved to Arizona! I can't imagine why anyone on their right mind would ever move to that God Forsaken State of Wisconsin.
July 2: Saw a wonderful sunset this evening. I now understand "Purple Mountains Majesty". Why do people live anywhere but here?
July 3: A lightning storm came last night. The sky was all lit. It was truly awesome! This morning the sky is "transparent". I can see into Mexico. Arizona is a phenomenal state!
July 4: Now this is a state that knows how to live. Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and desert blended together, what a place. Watched the fireworks at the park laying out on a blanket. It was glorious! I've finally found my home.
July 5: Really heating up, got to 100 today, not a problem, live in an air conditioned home and drive an air conditioned car. Life's full of tradeoffs. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
July 7: Had the back yard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today but I love it here.
July 10: The temperature has not been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat. At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking a little longer than I expected.
July 15: Fell asleep at poolside, got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days work. What a dumb thing to do. I've learned my lesson! I really respect the old Sun in a climate like this.
July 20: I missed Tabby our cat sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen to the size of a shopping bag and exploded over $2000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like kibbles and ****. No more pets in this heat.
July 25: Dry ****ing Heat my Ass. Hot is hot! I'd be cooler living in my oven. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman wants $200 just to drive by and tell me he needs to order parts.
July 30: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1100 ****ing dollar house payment and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
August 4: 117 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and can only cool the house down to 90. Stupid ass Mexican repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this ****ing state.
August 8: If another shithead cracks, "Hot enough for ya today", I'm going to tear his ****ing throat out. Arizona is hot! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are dripping wet with sweat and I smell like roasted ****ing Garfield.
August 10: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to **** for 2 stinking months. And the weatherman says it might really warm up this weekend. Doesn't it ever rain in the barren damn desert!
August 19: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 128 degrees today. Forgot to crack a window and blew the ****ing windshield out of the Lincoln. The Mexican installer came to fix it, and said, "Hot enough for ya today." My wife had to spend the stinking $1100 house payment to bail me out of jail.
August 30: Hottest day of the God damn summer. I'm not even leaving the house. Water rationing has been in effect all summer so the $1700 worth of my "low maintenance" cactus in the yard just dried up and blew into the ****ing pool Even a cactus can't live in this heat! I can't cool off in the pool now! The pool is full of ****ing needles and every ****ing time I ****ing attempt to clean the ****ing cactus needles out of the ****ing pool filter I shred my ****ing hands.
That does it, we're moving back to Wisconsin in time for deer season!!!
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Old 18-02-2014, 15:17   #3238
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Re: The Joke Thread

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided
to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.?

The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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Old 18-02-2014, 16:28   #3239
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Re: The Joke Thread

Few days late but i can just now see out of one eye.

OK so WTF? Valentines day your'e supposed to buy the girlfriend chocolates,Roses and something shiny right? I even took her to the finest restaurant in town.

So.. Why the Heck is my wife so pissed?
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Old 18-02-2014, 17:18   #3240
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Re: The Joke Thread

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a Daddy Longlegs.” Her father answered.
“So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
“The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
“Well, it might be OK in California or Massachusetts but we’re not having any of that crap in Texas!”
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