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Old 13-02-2014, 17:58   #3211
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Re: The Joke Thread

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
Brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....


"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought It with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then Said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her
fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
I Bought it too, with the insurance money!"


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

Here it comes...........

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Old 13-02-2014, 17:59   #3212
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Agony of Dyslexia
After Daylight Saving ended I stopped in to visit
my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him,
"You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

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Old 13-02-2014, 18:00   #3213
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Re: The Joke Thread

Confession When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."


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Old 13-02-2014, 18:03   #3214
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Re: The Joke Thread

Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan ..I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed

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Old 13-02-2014, 18:05   #3215
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Re: The Joke Thread

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorb
ent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake ****** at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your ****** and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire ****** size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake ****** at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.


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Old 13-02-2014, 18:06   #3216
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Re: The Joke Thread

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

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Old 13-02-2014, 18:08   #3217
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Re: The Joke Thread

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so f off and wait for a camel!"


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Old 13-02-2014, 18:14   #3218
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Re: The Joke Thread

so sex between 2 is called a twosome

and between 3 is called a threesome

i now know why they call some people handsome.


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Old 13-02-2014, 21:34   #3219
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Re: The Joke Thread

Love this ad for a vacuum cleaner.



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Old 13-02-2014, 22:18   #3220
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John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and the banker, Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

The next week, the banker returned to see if the vet had helped.

John really looked very pleased, and said, "The bull has serviced all of my cows! Then, he broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said the banker , "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"He just gave him some pills.", replied John.

"What kind of pills?", asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste."

Coops.
Bull Viagra

Later he went back to the vet to complain. He told the vet everything, the vet asked " so what's the problem?". John asked " have you got anything to stop me crapping in the street?"
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Old 14-02-2014, 01:27   #3221
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Re: The Joke Thread

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER..
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale....

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $100...


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is.... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick___________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables..
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH.
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
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Old 14-02-2014, 14:15   #3222
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Divorce Settlement...

...On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into
boxes, crates
and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his
things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their
beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft
background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar
,and a bottle
of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and
deposited a
few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow
center of the
curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new
boyfriend, and at
first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out
the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were
steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to
move out for a
few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the
expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to
visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and
decided they
had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in
half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors
refused to return
their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they
had to borrow
a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were
going. She told
him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely
and said that
he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce his
divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was
, she agreed
on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had
been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the
completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as
they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new
home .. and
just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain
rods !!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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Old 14-02-2014, 14:30   #3223
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Re: The Joke Thread

Attack on the winter olympics.

AT-AT walkers invade the Sochi Olympics. [VIDEO]

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Old 14-02-2014, 15:39   #3224
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Re: The Joke Thread

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
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Old 15-02-2014, 11:49   #3225
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

Coops.
Read it 4 times before I could spot it.
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