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Old 09-02-2014, 13:07   #3196
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Re: The Joke Thread

From the USA, but could apply to some Australian states...


CALIFORNIA

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

TEXAS:

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 hollow point cartridge.
Buzzards eat the dead coyote.


And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

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Old 09-02-2014, 13:30   #3197
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Re: The Joke Thread

Ted's very shapely wife has been having chest pains, so he takes her to a doctor. After an examination, the doctor comes to Ted in the waiting room and says "I have to tell you, Ted, I think your wife has acute angina." Ted replies "I know THAT, Doc, but what's with the chest pains?"
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Old 10-02-2014, 03:30   #3198
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
I know Coops… its hard to know where to draw the line.

Who else but the British could get away with this?

I love Mrs Browns Boys!! Brendan OCarrol is a genius. Look up "Mrs Brown gets a Bikini Wax" on YouTube.


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Old 10-02-2014, 14:34   #3199
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Re: The Joke Thread

A little Italian kid comes home from school and his mother says, "Guiseppi, what-a you learn in-a school today?" He says, "Mama, today we learn all about a sex education." She says, "Sex-a education? That's-a bad. You-a go to you room until you Papa come home." A few hours later the old man walks in from work and says, "Where's-a Guiseppi?" His wife says, "I'm-a send-a him to his-a room. He said he's-a learn sex-a education today in-a school." He says, "What-a you, stu-peed-o? That's-a what they all learn in-a da school nowadays." She feels bad and goes up to Guiseppi's room to apologize. When she opens the door, he's lying on his bed masturbating like crazy. She says, "When-a you done with-a you homework, I'm a wanna talk-a to you."
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Old 10-02-2014, 14:47   #3200
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 10-02-2014, 15:50   #3201
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here's the clip of Mrs Brown gets a bikini wax....
Mrs Brown Gets A Bikini Wax on Vimeo
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Old 10-02-2014, 19:42   #3202
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Re: The Joke Thread

This may be the wrong thread for this, but is anyone else planning on attending the conference on time travel, held last week in Chicago?
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Old 10-02-2014, 22:17   #3203
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Re: The Joke Thread

Naah... I went next year.
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Old 11-02-2014, 00:39   #3204
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Re: The Joke Thread

I wonder if this is a better example of dining manners than some of us sailors?



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Old 11-02-2014, 18:02   #3205
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Re: The Joke Thread

All of you that believe in psychokinesis please raise my hand...
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Old 11-02-2014, 19:55   #3206
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Re: The Joke Thread

Zen monk goes to hot dog stand, says
Make me One with everything

Pays with a tenner, gets no change
Hot Dog man says
Change must come from within
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Old 11-02-2014, 20:19   #3207
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Re: The Joke Thread

Soooo....who's gonna get stuck with post 5200?
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Old 13-02-2014, 07:51   #3208
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Re: The Joke Thread

The grizzled old seaman reached port and as was his wont, made his way to the local house of ill-repute.

After paying the madam, he soon found himself in a bedroom in the company of a sweet nubile young lady (sweet youn' thang for you southern types).

Undressing him, the girl noticed that his body was covered with tattoos, each one was the name of a city: New York, Rio, Lisbon, Copenhagen and many many more.

"Wow," she said, "Have you visited all those places?"

"Yep," he replied, "I got a tattoo in every harbor I've ever been in."

She removed his more intimate apparel and looking at the appendage she was soon to bestride, she saw it was tattooed "ADAM"

"ADAM," she said, "I've heard of all the rest of the cities, but never ADAM"

"Work at it for a while honey," he replied, "and you'll see it says….."


wait for it…………..



Wait for it………….


"Welcome to Amsterdam, the Chamber of Commerce hopes you enjoy your stay!"
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Old 13-02-2014, 17:53   #3209
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Re: The Joke Thread

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office...
and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.
'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister.
'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'



'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister.
'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'



'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it.
The sweetest swing I ever made.



And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.
'How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.
'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'



'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.
'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'



'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



'You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?'

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Old 13-02-2014, 17:57   #3210
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Re: The Joke Thread

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and the banker, Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

The next week, the banker returned to see if the vet had helped.

John really looked very pleased, and said, "The bull has serviced all of my cows! Then, he broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said the banker , "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"He just gave him some pills.", replied John.

"What kind of pills?", asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste."

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