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Old 06-02-2014, 21:04   #3181
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Re: The Joke Thread

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They
rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for
lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle
of Pinot Gris with three glasses.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the
initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and
boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University
she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of London ís leading law firms. They live in
a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends
drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to
become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading
financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey
stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables
and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side,
on his erect bleep .

Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in
a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and
Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old peopleís home in Peckham.
They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
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Old 07-02-2014, 02:43   #3182
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by kjames View Post
Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. .....
.....
Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Best definition ever for 'Pecking Order'
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Old 07-02-2014, 12:12   #3183
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both, and he had exactly the same airplane as yours. Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?" Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Old 08-02-2014, 12:54   #3184
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Re: The Joke Thread

A gentle reminder.... Many species give birth in springtime.
The prudent mariner keeps a sharp lookout for baby whales, dolphins, boats...
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Old 08-02-2014, 13:30   #3185
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Humor with a Message The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and her makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger, and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.'' Priceless
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Old 08-02-2014, 13:34   #3186
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Re: The Joke Thread

Dinner Meeting: The Story of Life A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes and that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her. Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lots of cute girls. Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses were good looking. Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol. Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good, it was quiet and serene, and they have an early bird special. Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible. Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille, because they had never been there before.
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Old 08-02-2014, 14:04   #3187
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Re: The Joke Thread

I was working on the boat, and hit my thumb with a wooden hammer with the words 'think ahead' written on it. A lawyer friend said I did it with mallet of forethought.
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Old 08-02-2014, 15:35   #3188
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.



Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



Coops.

Brilliant ...... Even my wife laughed at this one

Hold on ! ?
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Old 08-02-2014, 21:47   #3189
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Brilliant ...... Even my wife laughed at this one

Hold on ! ?
I almost got beheaded ...

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Old 08-02-2014, 22:20   #3190
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Re: The Joke Thread

Pub Signs for a Laugh
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Old 08-02-2014, 22:28   #3191
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Re: The Joke Thread

More Funny signs
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Old 08-02-2014, 23:13   #3192
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Re: The Joke Thread

You lot may find this funny, or offensive, depending.



Coops.
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Old 09-02-2014, 00:17   #3193
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Re: The Joke Thread

I know Coops… its hard to know where to draw the line.

Who else but the British could get away with this?

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Old 09-02-2014, 00:29   #3194
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Re: The Joke Thread

Eddie Izzard is one of my favourites as well. Love this.



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Old 09-02-2014, 01:02   #3195
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Re: The Joke Thread

Chortle

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