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Old 01-02-2014, 18:18   #3166
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Re: The Joke Thread

As a woman sat down at her seat on the 50 yard line for the Super Bowl, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat belongs to my husband he and I were to come here together, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in '57."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head ...

No, they're all at the funeral.
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Old 01-02-2014, 23:45   #3167
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are completely surrounded by hundreds of blood-thirsty indians. They fight all afternoon and finally as they get down to their last bullets, the Lone Rangers says:

"Tonto - this is the worst situation we've ever been in. I don't think we're going to get out of this alive"

Tonto turns and says, "What you mean we - paleface?"
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Old 02-02-2014, 17:04   #3168
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:20   #3169
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Re: The Joke Thread

I’ve had requests for my Caribbean RUM Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up.
(Made one this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle Rum
2 cups dried fruit

Sample a cup of Rum to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Rum again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the Rum is still OK. Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver
Sample the Rum to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the Rum. Now shixxx shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Rum and wipe the counter with the cat.
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Old 04-02-2014, 14:59   #3170
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Re: The Joke Thread

Perhaps you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as......"Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while
Undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em
and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad we got that straightened out so you can sleep well.
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Old 04-02-2014, 18:34   #3171
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Re: The Joke Thread

Got a phone call from a mate the other day.
He tells me he went out on bender last Saturday.
He got kicked out of 2 pubs and was told to leave the 3rd at stumps.
Not overly impressed he stumbled towards home at 5am.

This is not unusual for this bloke but then he said...
"You wouldn't believe it, the neighbour decided to mow the lawn at 10am."
I asked if this was the arthritic pensioner next door to confirm.
"Yeah, him,
I was going to get up and help but I thought stuff it, he can mow around me"


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Old 04-02-2014, 18:39   #3172
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Re: The Joke Thread

two Welsh Girls
I was on holiday over there and in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks ...

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

...

One of them screamed "It's WALES you IDIOT!"

So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's all I remember .........

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Old 04-02-2014, 18:41   #3173
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Re: The Joke Thread

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.


"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO .

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Old 04-02-2014, 18:57   #3174
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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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Old 04-02-2014, 19:02   #3175
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Re: The Joke Thread

Victoria Police HQ has announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin, $25 million in forged banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes all in a block of flats behind the Collingwood Public Library.


Local residents were stunned.

no one knew they had a Library

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Old 04-02-2014, 19:06   #3176
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Re: The Joke Thread

re: "interesting question" thread elsewhere.

My first response to the question, "How many people have ever been born?"

Now I'm no expert, with no higher education, or experience, which could help me put an exact figure on it.....

.....but I would have to hazard a guess as to "All of them!"

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Old 04-02-2014, 19:09   #3177
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Re: The Joke Thread

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

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Old 04-02-2014, 19:11   #3178
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Re: The Joke Thread

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he says that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the **** is that on the balcony with Dave?

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Old 05-02-2014, 01:42   #3179
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Re: The Joke Thread

Studies have shown that women with large backsides live a lot longer than men who mention them.
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Old 06-02-2014, 13:18   #3180
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here's the new sign for warning your guests about appropriate use of the head.

No Vomiting. No Dancing. And, of course, No Fishing.

{Blatantly stolen from a problems reports feed from journalists at the Sochi Olympics.}
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