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D&D · 28-01-2014, 15:40

Some (all?!?) of these are probably repeats, but they're still both amusing and generally very true...

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
Timothy Jones

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.They said 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

Rhapsody-NS27 · 28-01-2014, 17:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by capt-couillon

She got the kids, the house, the lawnmower, and the car....

All I got was the boat

Good Job.

Just think, All the stuff she keeps will cost more in the long run.

goboatingnow · 28-01-2014, 17:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by In Training

Ok, "GO BOATING NOW" as a female CPA, that is just rude.

What you didn't like my credit card joke ?

Rhapsody-NS27 · 28-01-2014, 18:22

In that case, how about this one.

shorebird · 28-01-2014, 18:37

Delmarrey's reminded me of this one:

Guy goes to see his doctor. After an examination, the Doc says "Well, I have some really bad news. You only have six months to live."
"Six months!" yells the guy. "There must be something we can do. Doc I'm desperate I'll do ANYTHING."
"Well," says Doc, "there is one thing..."
"Anything. anything."
The doctors says "you find this single mother whose on welfare, and has 6 or more children. You get married, then you all move into a mosquito infested swamp."
"That sounds strange," says the guy, "will it really make me live longer than 6 months?"
"Well, no," says the doc. "but It'll sure seem like it."

capt-couillon · 28-01-2014, 20:28

You might be a boat bum if you consider 5200 a long term investment.

If you know more than 3 ways to fix SPAM, you might be a boat bum.

If your best pair of shoes were made by Sperry... you just might be a boat bum.

You might be a boat bum if every piece of clothing you own has a stain on it.

If you understand that a bulkhead is not a politician, you might be a boat bum.

(With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

Anyone add to the list?

Jon Hacking · 29-01-2014, 03:03

I do know that "Bulkhead" is a condition suffered by sailors who drink too much...

(with apologies to Beard & McKie)

D&D · 29-01-2014, 17:32

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MOR E BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! H urry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

D&D · 29-01-2014, 17:34

Pants VS Panties.....

Mike was going to be married to Karen
So his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
This family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
Never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

**boatman61** · 29-01-2014, 18:04

Dunno if this'll work but here goes..

http://youtu.be/Jd1BVBkC9J4

DoubleWhisky · 30-01-2014, 02:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by D&D

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

We don't use "X" in names. But You can well put it as BRZECZYSZCZYKIEWICZ

DoubleWhisky · 30-01-2014, 02:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by D&D

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MOR E BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! H urry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

My Dearest deliberatelly decided against learning too much about sailing.
She told me, that She don't want to make me feel on the boat like when driving the car in Her company....

D&D · 30-01-2014, 13:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoubleWhisky

We don't use "X" in names...

We stand (humbly!) corrected...

**hpeer** · 01-02-2014, 07:23

A man walks out to the street and immediately catches a taxi, just about to go by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "What perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he did everything right, every time. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "Everybody has some problems."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like Pavarotti,
and danced like Astaire. And you should have heard him play the piano!"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew
all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And
whatever brokE, he could fix it -- Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "PLUS -- Frank really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
special. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He NEVER made a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman!"

Passenger: "What an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."