The Joke Thread

[USMCOrdO]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill..

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by markpj23

After much debate, three agencies agreed to a competitive test to prove who was the best Investigative Agency of all. A rabbit was released into a wooded area and each agency had to deploy a team to go find & retrieve the rabbit.

First up - the CIA: They spent many days & nights interrogating all manner of flora & fauna. The rabbit eluded them. After 3 months they had gathered sufficient evidence to conclude that rabbits do not exist and ended their search.

Next in - the FBI: 2 weeks of leaning on their woodland snitches and other informants yielded no leads. All trails came up cold. In desperation they set fire to the woods, killed the rabbit and all other wildlife, and suffered minor FBI casualties.

Last in - the Los Angeles Police Department. After 4 hours they emerged from the woods triumphant, kicking and shoving ahead a bruised and battered mountain lion who kept pleading "OK, OK - I'm a rabbit!"

Best joke of the entire thread, Mark! Unfortunately, it's been disqualified. Reason: Too true to be funny.

TaoJones

[delmarrey]

One of my older brothers just sent me this e-mail.

Finally found something to do over the summer! Would you like to make it a family affair???? DLA

Subject: Somali Cruise Package

>
This is the best idea yet. Be sure and read the whole thing. I was
checking cruise lines because I heard the rates are very cheap right now.
>
I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan)
and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).
>
The cost is a bit high @ 800 per person double occupancy but I didn'tfind
that offensive. What I found encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise
is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the
cruise. If you don't have your own weapons you can rent them right there on
the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have
reloading parties every afternoon as well as optional marksmanship training.
The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per
person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and down the
coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the
costs and claims associated with the package.
>
$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)
>
M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor
piercing ammo at 15.95
>
Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block
ball ammo at 14.95
>
Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper riffle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25
rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95
>
Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
>
Wow - they even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads
>
"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision
equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."
>
Meals are not included but costs seem reasonable.
>
Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer.. get this.....
>
"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"
(Sign me up for that!)
They advertise group rates and corporate discounts......and even claim
"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"
>
They even have a partial money back offer if not satisfied....here's some
text from the ad.
>
"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by
pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental charges
and any unused ammo (mini-gun charges not included). How can we guarantee
you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of
the coast of Somalia. If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn
the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8
days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night
the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud
disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited
so respond quickly. Reserve your package before the end of May and get
100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."
>
As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials
>
"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'll never hunt big
game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"----
Lars, Hamburg, Germany
>
"Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected. I bagged three
pirates and my 12yr old son sank two rowboats with the mini-gun. PIRATES 0
-PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks
English" - Ned, Salt Lake city, Utah USA
>
"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't
worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship
with those weapons they use and their squirrelly aim-reminds me of a drunken
'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam"-"chopper'
Dan ----Toledo USA.
>
"Like ducks in a barrel. This is must do! - Zeke, Minnahaw Springs, Kentucky, USA
>
Finally, someone had the common sense to cash in AND solve a major problem.
These folks deserve a medal!

[mmckee1952]

THREE THOUGHTS ......

(1) Zero Gravity


When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.


When your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.


(2) Our Constitution

'They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore.'

(3) Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!


It creates a hostile work environment.

[mmckee1952]

Little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows,

and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.. I saw you kick the pig,

so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk .'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

[mmckee1952]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



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When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.



Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.



When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.



Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

[mmckee1952]

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[mmckee1952]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.


'YES!!' stated the waitress.


'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.


'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.


'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE been around the block more than once!

[Hud3]

The moderators are taking a close look at this. The thread will be closed until we come to a conclusion. Thanks!

[Hud3]

OK, we've opened the Joke Thread up for business again.

This has been a pretty popular thread, with over 300 posts and over 16,000 "looks". We've bent our normal "stick to the topic of cruising and boating" rule because it's been such a fun thing for a lot of our members.

In order to keep it fun and "funny", we'd like to ask those who post here to be a bit sensitive to the fact that something that's very funny to you might just possibly be offensive to others. Jokes that can easily fall into that territory are typically based on racial, ethnic, or political premises.

I've deleted a joke that drew some fire, and a few posts that related to it, so I think we can get back on track now. Thanks for your cooperation.

[44'cruisingcat]

[Hud3]

Ewwww!

[Talbot]

Poking fun at ethnic differences has been a major part of humour for a very long time. It should only become objectionable when one ethnicity is singled out for attention to the exclusion of others.

The programme "Hello, Hello" is such a multinational hit in europe primarily because all nationalities are lampooned - If you have not seen this programme it is loosely based on a very well made BBC drama about the resistance in world war 2 called "Secret Army".

[mmckee1952]

Little Johnny was crying in school. The teacher asked "Why are you crying?" Johnny said " I didn't get any breakfast today." The teacher said "Well, there is nothing we can do about that now."
"Now we are going to do Geography. Can anyone tell me where the Mexican border is?"
Johnny held his hand up and said " He's in bed with my mother. That's why I didn't get any breakfast."

[Rick]

One very old joke always makes me laugh, don't know why:

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Why the long face"?