The Joke Thread

[captain58sailin]

A true virgin.

[Finistere]

NOW I UNDERSTAND……..


It was late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since the chief was a leader in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he knew of no way to predict what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

Worried that his prediction could be wrong, the chief, being a practical leader, got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

The meteorologist at the weather service responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The man at National Weather Service reassured him, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The meteorologist replied, ‘Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'

[Coops]

My wife says I need to see things from her point of view - so I looked out the kitchen window....

Coops.

[Coops]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Coops.

[Coops]

Gonorrhea Lectim - New Deadly Disease

One should be thinking about this seriously. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called "Gonorrhea Lectim". It's pronounced “Gonna re-elect em" and it is a terrible and deadly ailment.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk Behaviour involving putting your cranium up your rectum.

Many victims contracted it in 2007. But now most people, after having been infected for the past few years, are starting to realize how destructive this
sickness is. It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.

Most people in Australia took the first dose a couple of months ago but the second dose is due late next year.

Coops.

[Coops]

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show at the local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde woman yells
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"

Coops.

[Coops]

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home in Ireland were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well.
When the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID WE GOTTA SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US?"

Coops.

[Coops]

n Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie are talking about screams of passion.
The Italian fellow said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said:
That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with a special butter.I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours ?....wow that's phenomenal !
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Coops.

[Coops]

This is an illusion rather than a joke, but so cool and clever.

Amazing T-Rex illusion. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[fgd3]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,sir ."

The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly,
dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out
of my back pocket. '

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
turns to his wife and barks, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "

I love this part.......

"Only when he's been drinking."

Fabbian

[Coops]

British commentary of the NFL game.

Bad British NFL commentary. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[carstenb]

Let's try again


Where did I get the idea? I saw a Sophia Loren movie

[D&D]

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here Is The Glorious Winner...

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber, James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And Now, The Honorable Mentions :

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family.... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*****Remember*****
They walk among us, they reproduce and, sadly, they also vote.

[Coops]

Dogs and cats, different methods of parenting.

How dogs and cats teach their offspring to use the stairs. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[Emerald Sea]

Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.


After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."


"That's wonderful! What's it like?"


"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."


"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina!