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Old 08-01-2014, 17:16   #3031
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Re: The Joke Thread

A father and his 13 year old son are at a drugstore and they pass by the rack of condoms. The son asks the father about them and the dad comfortably explains what they're used for.

Then the kid says "so why are they sold in 3-packs?"
Dad replies "That's for high school guys - one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case."

Kid looks around and asks about the 6 pack packaging.
Dad says "Those are for college guys. 2 for friday, 2 for saturday, and 2 for during the week"

Kid thinks about it, and gets a smile on his face when he notices that there are packages of a dozen condoms. He mentions it to his father and his dad replies "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February...."
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Old 09-01-2014, 01:34   #3032
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Re: The Joke Thread

New Mexico Chili Cook-off



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.


For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Gering, Nebraska.

Judge #3 - Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report
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Old 09-01-2014, 13:27   #3033
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Re: The Joke Thread

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED


Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack..

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay..

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental-$100..

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.


EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smallerand none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..


MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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Old 09-01-2014, 19:34   #3034
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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman out shopping with her husband spots a pair of shoes she loves.
The husband says: ?”No chance love, they’re way too expensive”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck
and places his hand on her hip.

She turns to him and says. ”I don’t think so, pal....
If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren’t riding it”


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Old 09-01-2014, 19:35   #3035
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.

"****in hell, Mick!" cried Paddy."Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm ****in sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a ****in clock!"

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Old 09-01-2014, 19:36   #3036
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your ******* before prison, ..."

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Old 09-01-2014, 19:42   #3037
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Re: The Joke Thread

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”


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Old 09-01-2014, 19:43   #3038
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Re: The Joke Thread

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.


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Old 09-01-2014, 19:45   #3039
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Re: The Joke Thread

Who said Scots are tight ???




A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.



Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.


The condom has a number of patches on it.


The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.


"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.


"Six pence" says the chemist.


"How much for a new one?"


"Ten pence" says the chemist.


The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,

replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.


A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.


The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.


"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.




"We'll have a new one."

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Old 09-01-2014, 19:47   #3040
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while, the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related ?"

The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."


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Old 10-01-2014, 00:36   #3041
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Re: The Joke Thread

Its customary in Scotland for close relatives to give the departed at a funeral a gift to help him on his way.

The grand old man of the clan died and the three sons stood at the graveside looking down at the casket.

Noone moved for a very long time.

Finally the oldest son couldn't stand it any longer, took out a five pound note, jumped down to the casket, pinned the note on the casket. Climbing out, her said "He was a grand ole man!"

After a while the middle son also couldn't stand it, takes out a five pound note, jumps down, pins it to the casket, and climbing out says "He was a Grand ole man!"

A much longer time goes by. It is getting painful. The two older brothers start puffing to the youngest son, who is obviously getting more and more uncomfortable.

Final a huge smile passes across the youngest face. He jumps down to the casket, takes out his checkbook, writes a check for 15 pounds, pins it to the casket, takes the two five pound notes as change and climbing out says: "Aey, he was a Grand Ole Man!"
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Old 10-01-2014, 09:03   #3042
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Re: The Joke Thread

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
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Old 10-01-2014, 15:36   #3043
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Re: The Joke Thread

Coops, you definitely have too much time on your hands but keep 'um coming.
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Old 11-01-2014, 19:53   #3044
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Re: The Joke Thread

It's Austraila Day on Jan 26th so when I saw this I thought I'd share it
Another one to offend someone somewhere.

WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races.
Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners, off season carni-folk, and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. ... While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a complete mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition.
Not that we're whinging, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem .

(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. And our national dress code is short shorts, thongs, and the good old t-shirt!

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian.

T1 Terry
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Old 11-01-2014, 20:01   #3045
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Re: The Joke Thread

That is very good.

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