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Old 03-01-2014, 22:51   #3001
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Re: The Joke Thread

What sort of noiseannoysanoyster?

Anoisynoiseannoysanoyster!

But,

Anynoiseannoysanoysterbutanoisynoiseannoysanoyster most.

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Old 03-01-2014, 23:00   #3002
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man of about 65 asks the trainer in the gymnasium:

"What machine should I use to impress a woman of 30?"

The trainer looks at him and says:

"I recommend the ATM."

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Old 03-01-2014, 23:01   #3003
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young bloke in a pub notices an old couple being lovey dovey at the next table and eavesdrops on their conversation. The old bloke says "You know it was 50 years ago today when we first came to this pub. Do you remember how we sneaked out the back into the alley and had sex against the fence?"
"Oh yes!" she says "why don't we do it again for old times sake?"
So off they go the the young bloke thinks "I have to see this" and discretely follows them to a point where he can see them.
The old girl hitches up her skirt and the old bloke pushes her against the fence and they set off like you wouldn't believe. The young chap had never seen anything like it as the old fella was off like a jackhammer. They thrashed and gyrated for about half an hour then collapsed on the floor exhausted. The young bloke went up to them and said "That was fantastic. If I have a tenth that much energy at your age I'll be very happy, what's your secret?"
The reply - "Sonny, 50 years ago this fence wasn't electrified!"

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Old 03-01-2014, 23:06   #3004
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Re: The Joke Thread

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me TitsBy Pam Ayres
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
>From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

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Old 03-01-2014, 23:11   #3005
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Re: The Joke Thread

Saturday night definitions
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located. I know some "404's"....do you?

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* TRAMP STAMP
Lower back tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

* LAST TIME BUYER
A person buying a retirement home.

* BOBFOC
A Woman who looks great from behind but hideous from the front: "Body Of Baywatch, Face Of Crimewatch"

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Old 03-01-2014, 23:13   #3006
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Re: The Joke Thread

Didn't read all 200 pages, excuse me if it's already been said.

A guy sees a salty old sailor in a bar with a ship's wheel protruding out of his pants. Says "Do you know you've got a ship's wheel stuck in your fly" the old tar replies "Gaaaarrr it's driving me nuts"
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Old 04-01-2014, 03:44   #3007
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
* BOBFOC
Quote:
A Woman who looks great from behind but hideous from the front: "Body Of Baywatch, Face Of Crimewatch"
Know as Butter face around these parts.
A top body, but her face

Quote:
* CUBE FARM.
Quote:
An office filled with cubicles.
also know as plain dog country because of the heads appearing every so often

Miss Broadacre
Bodies not bad but packing 2 arses

Turtle
Once she's on her back she's ......

2 bagger
Would require 2 paper bags over her head, just in case one broke


Passionate fingers
*ucks every thing they touch

T1 Terry
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Old 04-01-2014, 03:56   #3008
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by T1 Terry View Post
...

2 bagger
Would require 2 paper bags over her head, just in case one broke


T1 Terry
Two bagger, one bag for her, one for you just in case hers breaks.....
Three bagger, there are some things not even your dog should have to watch...
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Old 04-01-2014, 04:58   #3009
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Re: The Joke Thread

Hestia ( Hestia - About-Home ) .. Holds Every Size Tit In Australia.

'Whispers' or 'Mumbles' ( black tights as worn by fat chicks ) ... You can see the lips moving but you can't make out the words.
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Old 04-01-2014, 11:42   #3010
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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy walked into this crowded local bar, waving his 1911 Colt 45 with an 8 shot clip yelling,
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"


A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, you're gonna need more ammo
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Old 04-01-2014, 12:13   #3011
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonyjay View Post
A guy walked into this crowded local bar, waving his 1911 Colt 45 with an 8 shot clip yelling,
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"


A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, you're gonna need more ammo
Sorry not to be a nerd but a 1911 only carries 7 rounds in a magazine and its a magazine not a clip. Funny joke though I'm definitely going to use that one next time I'm at the range
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Old 04-01-2014, 14:37   #3012
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Re: The Joke Thread

We seem to have a lot of garage sales in my neighborhood,
but I'm glad this is someone else neighbor hood.





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Unprepared boaters, end up as floatsum!.......
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Old 04-01-2014, 16:31   #3013
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Re: The Joke Thread

Coyote ugly -- when you wake up,after a bender, and the chick next to you is not only lying on your arm, but so ugly you chew your arm off so she doesn't wake up.

Double coyote ugly -- when you chew the other arm off in case she comes looking for a one-armed man.

And by the way, a 3 bragger is one for your head, one for hers, and a third by the door in case someone walks is.

Matt
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Old 05-01-2014, 05:42   #3014
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Re: The Joke Thread

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
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Old 05-01-2014, 05:43   #3015
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
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