The Joke Thread

[mmckee1952]

Subject: With age comes wisdom
>
> >
> >
> >
> > A guy named Ron is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting
> > in his
> > boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He
> > looked
> > around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he
> > heard
> > the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
> >
> > He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
> >
> > The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
> >
> > The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me
> > & I'll
> > turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make
> > sure
> > that all your friends are envious & jealous because I will be your
> > bride!'
> >
> > Ron looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
> > carefully & placed it in his front breast pocket.
> >
> > Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I
> > said? I
> > said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
> >
> > He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age
> > I'd
> > rather have a talking frog.'
> >
> > With age comes wisdom

[mmckee1952]

THE GOLFING NUN

>

>

> A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

>

> 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this
was the day you spent with your family."

>

> 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

>

> 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?'

>

> 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even cursed today!'

>

> 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must
tell me all about it!'

>

> 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's
flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a
bird in mid flight."

>

> 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that
didn't make you curse, Sister!'

>

> 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!'

>

> 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

>

> 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!'

>

> 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

>

> 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

>



> Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

>

> "You missed the f**kin' putt, didn't you?"

[mmckee1952]

Subject: Fwd: thoughts about sex




1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

[David_Old_Jersey]

Who is your real friend? Simple test.

This really works!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:-

Put your dog and your spouse in your car boot (trunk) for an hour.













When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

Who is your real friend? Simple test.

This really works!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:-

Put your dog and your spouse in your car boot (trunk) for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

Pretty good, DOJ, but another poster beat you to that one by almost a year. From the thread "Shipwrecked Animals in Peril . . . Please Help!," post # 46:

Originally Posted by cathyoz

just jocking.. [French/Australian for joking, I think]
put your Girlfriend and your dog in the boot of the car ( not too long !!)
when you open, who is the more happy to see you ???

This came from a French woman living in Australia (who hasn't posted anything new in over five months). I hope she hasn't permanently left CF - her posts were fun to read. Hey, David, you don't have another account where you use the name cathyoz do you?!

Which reminds me, http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...ini-20485.html (Miss Bikini) is looking, shall we say, not quite ready for prime time - but give her my regards.

TaoJones

[David_Old_Jersey]

Cathyoz is not me Surprised "Miss" Bikini does not have more freinds..........

[mmckee1952]

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
> >
> > The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
> > reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
>
> > erectile dysfunction.
> >
> > After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
> > to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.
> >
> > The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which
> > he handed to the 74 year-old. With a grip on his shoulder, the
> > medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be
> > respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'.. When you
>
> > do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life
> > and you will be able to perform as long as you want."
> >
> > 0K The old man was encouraged As he walked away, he turned and asked,
> > "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
> >
> > "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded.
> >
> > "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next
> > full moon."
> >
> > The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went
> > home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then
> > invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
> >
> > When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
> > Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
> >
> > His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes And then she
> > asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
> >
> > And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
> > with a preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle!

[mmckee1952]

UNDERWEAR DUST
>
>
>
>
>
>/One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
>'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it
>would take a few inches off of your butt!'/
>
>/His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let
>such a comment go unrewarded.// The next morning the husband took a
>pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said
>to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out./
>/'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum
>powder in my underwear?'/
>
>/She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle
>Grow'!!!!! !/
>
>*/You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman./*

[mmckee1952]

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or
$9.00 a day.

Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so
how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!"

Carlo's says,"Alright, what does your sign say?"

It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."

[mmckee1952]

Subjec: Brilliant Idea!



SIMPLE TO BE CONSIDERED.



This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea....

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force -
Pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings -
Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered -
Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage ?

Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

PS: If more money is needed, have all members in Congress
and their constituents pay their taxes.

[AKCoastie]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

Subjec: Brilliant Idea!



SIMPLE TO BE CONSIDERED.



This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea....

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force -
Pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings -
Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered -
Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage ?

Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

PS: If more money is needed, have all members in Congress
and their constituents pay their taxes.

Wow. That is so stupid simple it could work. Honostly sounds like a really good idea. Who'd a thunk.

[By Invitation]

I'm 55, I like this plan.

[senormechanico]

If even more money is needed, take away Congress' LIFETIME FULL PAY upon retirement, even after serving only ONE term!!!

Steve B.

[Jim Cate]

Hey, sounds good when you say it fast, but where do we get the 40 trillion dollars to fund this great scheme??? Even if we not only fire all the pols but confiscate their Swiss accounts as well, I fear we will fall short.

Damn, but it sounded good...

Jim

[markpj23]

After much debate, three agencies agreed to a competitive test to prove who was the best Investigative Agency of all. A rabbit was released into a wooded area and each agency had to deploy a team to go find & retrieve the rabbit.

First up - the CIA: They spent many days & nights interrogating all manner of flora & fauna. The rabbit eluded them. After 3 months they had gathered sufficient evidence to conclude that rabbits do not exist and ended their search.

Next in - the FBI: 2 weeks of leaning on their woodland snitches and other informants yielded no leads. All trails came up cold. In desperation they set fire to the woods, killed the rabbit and all other wildlife, and suffered minor FBI casualties.

Last in - the Los Angeles Police Department. After 4 hours they emerged from the woods triumphant, kicking and shoving ahead a bruised and battered mountain lion who kept pleading "OK, OK - I'm a rabbit!"