The Joke Thread

[S/V Antares]

Little Johnny having said to his mother: "I know how old you are!"

She said: "Little boys should not talk about a womans age"

Little Johnny said: "I know how old you are!"

She said: "Little boys should Never talk about a womans age"

Then little johnny looked sad and said: "I think I know why Daddy left you"

Stunned, she asked "Please, Johnny what could you possiply know?"

Johnny held up her drivers license and said "It says right here! You got an "F" in Sex!"

[Brent Swain]

A Texan , visiting Ireland to check out his family history , ends up talking to an Irish Farmer. The Texan asks "How big is your spread here , boy." The Irish farmer said "Well, she goes up to the barn over there, then out to the road, then down the road to the creek, then back here. That's all my property." The Texan says "Hell back in Texas I get in my car at the crack of dawn , and I drive , and drive and drive, and by subndown I stilll haven't driven all around my property." The Irish farmer laughs , slaps his knee and says " Yeah I know exactly what you mean . I once had a car like that myself."
Brent

[David M]

Thats great spin drift.

[Spin_Drift]

Originally Posted by David M

Thats great spin drift.

Glad you liked it...

.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them crapped in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird crap?"

"It was my first day with the hook"

[bix85]

The stock market crash is worse than a divorce!

................

I have half of my money.
and I'm still married!


(my wife hits me every time I tell that one)

[Spin_Drift]

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

.

[Spin_Drift]

I'm on a roll now...


Father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked.

[GordMay]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

*
*
*
*

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Duder]

So this doctor is having sex with his patients...

Finally he's striken with guilt and starts to hear 2 voices. The voice of reason on his left said... "Mate! Lots of doctors have sex with their patients.... don't let it worry ya."

The voice of guilt on his right side said.....


















Dude! You're a Vet!

[S/V Antares]

The home improvement contractor called the Blonde "It has been six months, when are you going to pay me for the new windows I installed?'

Hello! Said the blonde... You told me they would pay for themselves in a year!

[Spin_Drift]

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."

[mmckee1952]

Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it.

[mmckee1952]

An Irish priest had been transferred to Texas.



Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.



The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'



'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'



Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'



There was dead silence on the line for a moment.



Then, Father O'Malley replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

[mmckee1952]

Two old sailors are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference.' The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'
'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'
'Well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'

[mmckee1952]

The following is a funny and true story shared by KC
Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.

In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be
president of the United States .

They are pretty simple:

The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of
age.

One girl in the class immediately started complaining about how unfair
the requirement to be a natural born citizen was.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable
individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but
everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this
country than one born by c-section?"