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Old 12-11-2008, 15:22   #16
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Thats great spin drift.
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Old 12-11-2008, 16:15   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David M View Post
Thats great spin drift.
Glad you liked it...

.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them crapped in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird crap?"

"It was my first day with the hook"

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Old 12-11-2008, 16:17   #18
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A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

.
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Old 12-11-2008, 16:27   #19
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I'm on a roll now...


Father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked.
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Old 12-11-2008, 17:12   #20
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So this doctor is having sex with his patients...

Finally he's striken with guilt and starts to hear 2 voices. The voice of reason on his left said... "Mate! Lots of doctors have sex with their patients.... don't let it worry ya."

The voice of guilt on his right side said.....


















Dude! You're a Vet!
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Old 12-11-2008, 17:37   #21
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The home improvement contractor called the Blonde "It has been six months, when are you going to pay me for the new windows I installed?'

Hello! Said the blonde... You told me they would pay for themselves in a year!
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Old 13-11-2008, 08:45   #22
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There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
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Old 13-11-2008, 10:23   #23
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Market crash

The stock market crash is worse than a divorce!

................

I have half of my money.
and I'm still married!


(my wife hits me every time I tell that one)
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Old 13-11-2008, 10:49   #24
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Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy **** head anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it.
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Old 13-11-2008, 10:57   #25
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An Irish priest had been transferred to Texas.



Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.



The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'



'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'



Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'



There was dead silence on the line for a moment.



Then, Father O'Malley replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
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Old 13-11-2008, 10:58   #26
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Two old sailors are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference.' The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'
'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'
'Well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'
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Old 13-11-2008, 11:00   #27
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The following is a funny and true story shared by KC
Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.

In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be
president of the United States .

They are pretty simple:

The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of
age.

One girl in the class immediately started complaining about how unfair
the requirement to be a natural born citizen was.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable
individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but
everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this
country than one born by c-section?"
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Old 13-11-2008, 11:05   #28
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Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your

energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around,

the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me.'
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Old 13-11-2008, 11:16   #29
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A funny one.

Little Johnny having said to his mother: "I know how old you are!"

She said: "Little boys should not talk about a womans age"

Little Johnny said: "I know how old you are!"

She said: "Little boys should Never talk about a womans age"

Then little johnny looked sad and said: "I think I know why Daddy left you"

Stunned, she asked "Please, Johnny what could you possiply know?"

Johnny held up her drivers license and said "It says right here! You got an "F" in Sex!"
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Old 18-11-2008, 10:01   #30
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This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it.
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