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Old 23-12-2013, 08:39   #2971
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Re: The Joke Thread

As some of you know, I dabble a bit with fiction writing. below is an example although not, perhaps a joke (funny though)


A Christmas Tale
By Carsten Breuning

The three little pigs ran as fast as they could, across the snow covered fields. They screamed as they ran, leg muscles aching. The Big Bad Wolf was right behind them! They could feel his hot breath on their necks. As they crossed the top of the hill, they saw their house ahead. Smoke rose from the chimney and candles sparkled in the windows. All was peaceful there. If only they could get inside before the Big, Bad Wolf caught them!
They stretched their short legs all they could and got to the house in the nick of time! Practical Pig managed to slam the door right in the Big Bad Wolf’s face. Quickly, he threw all the locks and put the drawbar in place.
They were safe. They all breathed heavily, drained of energy from the running and the fright. But now they could enjoy Christmas Eve. Now they could have their Christmas dinner. Later, they would sing Christmas carols and open their presents. For now, they were safe. That was the best present of all.
Outside, they heard the Big, Bad Wolf begin blowing on the door: “I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, until I blow your door down!”, he raged, and huffed and puffed.
“Oh no”, cried two of the pigs. “He’ll blow the door down and eat us!” But practical pig wasn’t worried. “I’ve built this house of brick with thick wooden doors, he can’t blow the door down”. And finally the huffing and puffing stopped.
Suddenly, the three pigs heard a tramping of feet on the roof and then something began working its way down the chimney.
“The wolf is coming down the chimney! The wolf is coming down the chimney!” the two little pigs cried. “He’ll catch us and eat us! Oh, what shall we do now?” They cried loudly.
Practical Pig thought frantically.
“Help me put the big iron pot in the fireplace,” he said. The three little pigs dragged the huge pot over and pushed it into the fireplace, just under the chimney. Practical Pig filled it with water. Just as he finished, there was a loud “plop” and something heavy dropped in the water. Practical Pig quickly threw the lid on the pot and put a big stone on top to hold it down. Sounds of knocking came from the pot, but Practical Pig ignored the noises and put more wood on the fire. The knocking continued, but got weaker and weaker. Finally it stopped. By now the flames were high and licked all the way up the big iron pot.
“The Big Bad Wolf is dead! The Big, Bad Wolf is dead!” The pigs sang as they danced around the living room. “The Big Bad Wolf is dead!” When they finished celebrating, they sat down and ate their Christmas dinner.
After dinner, one of the little pigs said, “That wolf must be cooked by now.” Practical Pig agreed and together they pulled the pot out of the fireplace. Practical Pig took the stone off and lifted the lid. The pot was still completely filled with water and at first they couldn’t see anything. Then a wrapped Christmas present bobbed up to the surface. And yet another. Then a black boot and finally a red elf cap. The three little pigs looked at each other.
Practical Pig heard a noise outside. Looking out, he saw 9 reindeer hitched in front a sleigh. The reindeer in front had a shiny red nose.


MERRY CHRISTMAS
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Old 23-12-2013, 11:13   #2972
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Cautionary Christmas tale

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by an after-dinner liqueur. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before... I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

Drive safely this Holiday Season!!
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Old 23-12-2013, 11:16   #2973
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Maintaining a positive attitude

The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, "You may not
feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits, then?"
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Old 23-12-2013, 12:12   #2974
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carstenb View Post
As some of you know, I dabble a bit with fiction writing. below is an example although not, perhaps a joke (funny though)

A Christmas Tale
By Carsten Breuning
Carsten, someone has pinched your plot and popped it on YouTube:

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Old 23-12-2013, 12:34   #2975
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your
wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes
a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of
Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg
up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Coops.
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Old 24-12-2013, 20:21   #2976
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Re: The Joke Thread

This fella got trolled pretty damn good …

Hahahahaha ...

Textastrophe | The Fireworks
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Old 26-12-2013, 12:57   #2977
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Re: The Joke Thread

3 guys die right before Christmas and are waiting to get into heaven.

St.Peter tells them; "you each need to produce a symbol of Christmas before you're allowed to pass the Pearly Gates"

the first guy pulls out his cigarette lighter, flicks it on and proclaims: "this is a Christmas candle" St. Peter approves and allows him to pass.

the 2nd guy pulls out his car keys, jingles them a bit and says: "these are bells" St. Peter is duly impressed and allows the guys to enter

the 3rd guy is struggling, he doesn't smoke or drive but after digging for a second, pulls a pair of women's panties out of his pocket and holds them up. St. Peter asks, "what is that?" The guys smiles and says: "these are Carols"
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Old 26-12-2013, 15:07   #2978
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Re: The Joke Thread

****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS******

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet out of the dryer?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my movie collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
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Old 26-12-2013, 15:22   #2979
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Re: The Joke Thread

Since the male body has only enough blood to run either the balls or brains, but not both at the same time, it seems reasonable that it took 100 years to come up with the idea of a helmet. Especially for hockey players
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Old 26-12-2013, 15:40   #2980
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Re: The Joke Thread

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****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS******
I thought this was the Joke Thread, not the pop your bubble thread
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Old 26-12-2013, 15:43   #2981
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Re: The Joke Thread

I've had enough reality, what I want now is a good fantasy.
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Old 26-12-2013, 16:25   #2982
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Re: The Joke Thread

Smoking Control.... It has already started .

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of lighter fuel for my BBQ lighter...

The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note of sympathy for the effects of the anti-smoking extremists running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
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Old 26-12-2013, 20:55   #2983
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Re: The Joke Thread

A pastor decided one autumn day, that as much as he had dedicated his life to the faith, that he really wished for one more round of golf before the cold weather set in. He called his young assistant, pretending to be sick, and asked him to please cover the service for the day. Sneaking out of the house, he headed for the course.

As luck would have it, he was having the round of his life. Every shot he takes is a beauty. He rounds the final leg of the course and lines up his final tee shot.

In Heaven, Saint Peter stands next to God and says "I don't understand." God smiles, and says "Just watch this." The pastor tees off, hitting the drive of a lifetime, traveling almost 400 yards down the hill, bouncing, rolling into the cup for a hole-in-one.

Saint Peter shakes his head again. "My Lord, I'm confused. This man of the faith lied about his health, skipped his sermon and shirked his duties whilst hiding from family and friends, and yet you reward him with the best round of golf of his life, and now a hole-in-one?"

God smiled again. "That's true. He just played the best round of his life, and that he's likely ever seen himself. You believe I'm not punishing him, but I ask you this: Who is he going to tell?"
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Old 28-12-2013, 18:26   #2984
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Re: The Joke Thread

The PC world and food..................

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Old 29-12-2013, 23:46   #2985
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Re: The Joke Thread

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests'


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation. We are trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad'"

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Coops.
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