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Old 13-12-2013, 13:43   #2926
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cotemar View Post
Two engineers???

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, Looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,"
said STEVEN, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole
down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good
that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit been fired from their engineering jobs
and are currently serving in the United States Congress.


fixed it fer ya
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Old 13-12-2013, 14:59   #2927
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Southern Methodist, Texas Tech and Texas A&M sent some of their best engineering students to the electric company for summer internships to gain some real world experience. All three teams showed up at 8AM and the job foreman sent each team out to set electric poles.

The SMU team returned about 3PM and reported they had set 4 poles.

The Tech team returned about 6PM and reported they had set 8 poles.

After 9PM the foreman became worried something had happened to the Aggies. Finally they came dragging in about 10PM looking like they had been drug through a mud swamp and very tired. The foreman asked what happened to them and they said they had been setting poles all day as directed. The foreman asked how many poles they set and they cheerily reported two poles. The foremen was surprised and told the Aggie team about the higher numbers from the other two teams. The head Aggies said,"That may be so but those lazy bums left 30 feet of their poles sticking out of the ground!"
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Old 13-12-2013, 16:28   #2928
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Re: The Joke Thread

Amish Sex

An Amish woman and her teenage daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.


The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,

and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!
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Old 14-12-2013, 12:24   #2929
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Re: The Joke Thread

Be careful driving home for the holidays.


With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several shots of rum followed by some rather nice beer. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before. I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.


This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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Old 14-12-2013, 12:32   #2930
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Re: The Joke Thread

Put it to work and make some money with it. That is too funny!
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Old 14-12-2013, 12:38   #2931
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Re: The Joke Thread

Did you hear about the little old lady who walked into the real estate office, with a 50 dollar note in her left ear, and a 100 dollar note in her right ear?

Her rent was in arrears.


How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looked through catalogues in the plastic surgeon's office.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark

What do you give a skeleton who walks into a bar and orders a drink?

.
.
.
.
.

A mop.


Q: What's ET short for?
A: He's only got little legs.

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Old 14-12-2013, 12:50   #2932
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Re: The Joke Thread

Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Newfoundland shoreline when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph for a light.

"Ya shure I tink I haff a lighter" Ralph replied with a Newfoundland accent and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Holy crap, man!" exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. "Where'd yew git dat monster?" "Well" replied Ralph "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a Genie?" Bob asked. "Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box" says Ralph. "Could I see him?"

Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie Bob says "Hey dere! I'm a good buddy of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the Newfoundland sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph "What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" Ralph answers "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"


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Old 14-12-2013, 12:52   #2933
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Re: The Joke Thread

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V.... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7.When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?


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Old 14-12-2013, 12:56   #2934
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says,
'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ...'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live
on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated
in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling
down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck
at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it?
I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

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Old 15-12-2013, 08:25   #2935
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Re: The Joke Thread

Miz' Boudreaux had to go into town to sit with her auntie who been pretty sick. Dis means she got to leave Boudreaux to watch dem bebe.... Now Boudreaux ain't always the most responsible fella, so she ask da neighbor lady to check up on 'em once at a while.

Da neighbor lady go over after lunch, and der be Boudreaux sittin' on de couch drinken a beer. House clean, dishes done, bebe playin' in da crib. Da neighbor lady go over to pick up dem bebi and hollers "AhhhYee Boudreux! you got to change dis boy's diapers you."

Boudreaux don' miss a lick. He point over at the box o' diapers on the kitchen table and say.. "No I don' It say right there on dem Box, good for twelve to sixteen pounds"


Everybody got a cousin Boudreaux (We jus don' admit it)
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Old 15-12-2013, 18:18   #2936
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Misunderstandings

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my
wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure,
what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks
myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I
don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in
Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

I’m O. K. I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used
in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and
twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?'

'Better get the two piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'.
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Old 15-12-2013, 20:19   #2937
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by T1 Terry View Post
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:


Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

[snip]
Hate to be a spoilsport (why does everyone who says that really love to be a spoilsport?), but the Japanese in that joke is complete gobbledegook.
Ah well, I guess it doesn't really matter...
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Old 15-12-2013, 20:23   #2938
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Re: The Joke Thread

Er, it's supposed to be gobbledegook. That is part of the joke, well, I thought so anyway.

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Old 15-12-2013, 20:31   #2939
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
Er, it's supposed to be gobbledegook. That is part of the joke, well, I thought so anyway.
I guess that's one way of looking at it, and I agree that it doesn't matter to the vast majority of readers/listeners anyway, but I thought I'd mention it all the same. Pedant, moi? You must be joking...
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Old 15-12-2013, 20:34   #2940
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Re: The Joke Thread

No worries at all. At least we know who to turn to for translations now. We are all pedants over something or other.

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