The Joke Thread

[Coops]

Last week, a woman I know checked into the caravan park in Bundaberg
Queensland in a cabin and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those
men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick
wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite
certain she could bounce a 5 cent coin off his well oiled bum.... You get the
picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give
me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and
what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of
tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now how does that sound?"





He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Coops.

[Coops]

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Coops.

[Coops]

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."


I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.


Coops.

[Coops]

Mick meets Paddy in the bar and Paddy has both ears bandaged.

"What happened to yours ears" Mick asked.
"I was doing the ironing when the phone rang" replies Paddy.
"So what happened to the other ear" asked Mick.
"I went to ring the doctor"


Coops.

[Cotemar]

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[El Pinguino]

A ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local farmer sitting outside a shop sucking down an L&P and patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the kiwi

'Good day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Kiwi: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English bastard.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this farmer your owner?' (pointing at the kiwi)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the kiwi)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a ****ing liar !!!

[yankee-clipper]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here ..."

[BigJohn]

A man goes into a confessional at church and says : "Father, I’m 52. 3 weeks ago, I went to this bar & was picked up by twin 22 yr. old blonde, red hot beauties. I went home with them & had smoking hot sex - like nobody's business. The things we did would make Hugh Hefner jealous. After ALL nite of fantastic sex, I was so weak, I could’nt even put on my shoes, I mean ......."

The Priest breaks in & says, "Wait, wait, my son ! In the Catholic faith ......"

The guy interrupts, "Catholic? Who said I was Catholic??"

The Priest responds, "Not Catholic? Well then ... Why are you telling ME ?"

His reply: " Telling YOU? WHY am I telling YOU ?? "I’m a telling everybody ! "

[BigJohn]

Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[BigJohn]

Twenty Push-ups

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

[BigJohn]

Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".

[BigJohn]

Tiff With Riley

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley.”

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand.”

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was.”

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?”

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

[BigJohn]

The Wrinkled Nightgown

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs.

Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

[BigJohn]

The Wrestling Event

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!”

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[Coops]

That time of year.


Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box One with Call of Duty Ghosts and a Samsung Galaxy Note 3 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day!

Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones


-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Timmy

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat and lose your social skills! Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with and socialize with others.

Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully, Tim Jones

-------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours, S Claus


---------------------------------------------------------------

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it!!!! I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespectin' me. I'm 'boutta tweet my homies and we gonna be waiting for yo fat azz and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever damn else I want.

WHAT EVER I WANT, BRO!
T-Bone

---------------------------------------------------------------

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously???
You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza rolls all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your azz and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

------------------------------------------------------------------

Timmy,
That's what I thought, you little ****!

Santa

Coops.