The Joke Thread

[BigJohn]

WHAT IS "APLOMB"? - AN ENGLISH LESSON

His Lordship was in the study at Downtown Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my Lord?" "Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship. "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on." "What word is that?" said his Lordship.

"'Aplomb' my Lord." "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure." "Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?" "I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?" "I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling does your prick still throb??'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee."

"Now that is Aplomb!"

[BigJohn]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from West Virginia. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License
and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, Sir!" the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[BigJohn]

It is August in a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 Euros. The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his debt. The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay 100 Euros for pigs he purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 Euro note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients, and lays the 100 Euros on the counter.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his 100 Euros back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.

[BigJohn]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. “I should be in charge,” said the brain. “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you would all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge,” said the *******, “Because I'm responsible for waste removal.” All the other body parts laughed at the ******* and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the ******* should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The ******* is usually the one in charge.

[BigJohn]

NO SPEAK ENGLISH
A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the
butcher her boobies. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store ...

What were you Thinking??

Her husband speaks English ..... hello!!!

I worry about you sometimes!!!

[BigJohn]

The American Way
A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He bought a home on a small piece of land.

A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs' he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt. The American bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about **** on you."

The China-man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these American Customs."

"What do you mean?" says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me", replied the China-man. "He say to become true American, I must learn to .... chase chicks, .... get piss drunk, and .... listen to bull-****."

[Cotemar]

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[transmitterdan]

Difference between scientist and engineer:

A scientist and an engineer (both young men) are being tested for access to a highly classified project. As usual the tests seem unrelated to the job.

In one test they are placed at one end of a long room. At the other end is a beautiful girl in a skimpy bikini. The candidates are instructed that each 60 seconds they should proceed exactly 1/2 the distance to the girl. The scientist says "I won't start this because I can never reach the goal!" The engineer says, "I can get close enough."

Which one do you think got the job?

[Cotemar]

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Finistere

See attached

There's so much truth in that one, that it's not funny!

[Tonyjay]

Why retired executives can't find jobs

Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Retired executive: "Honesty."
Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Retired executive: "I don't really much give a **** what you think.

[Cotemar]

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[Coops]

A group of friends from the Cruisersforum get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. Each time the lady of the house prepares the meal.


When it came time for us to be the hosts, The Minister for War and Finance (MWF) wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told me, "No mushrooms. They are too dear."


I said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."


She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."


I thought about this and said, "Well, I see vermin eating them and they're OK." So MWF decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.


Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, the MWF watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.


The meal was a great success, and the MWF even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, we relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in the MWFs ear.


She said, "Mrs. C, Ol' Spot is dead."


The MWF went into hysterics.


After she finally calmed down, she called the town doctor and told him what had happened.


The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.."


Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.


One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.


After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to The MWF,

"You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

Coops.

[Snore]

Originally Posted by Coops

"You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped." Coops.

Has my vote for top 10!!!

[Coops]

When I was young and we just moved to the city I got a job as a Zoo Keeper

I started my new job at the zoo and was given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds..

As I did this a huge fish jumps out and bites me. In panic and to show who is boss, I beat it to death with a spade.

Realizing my employer won't be best pleased I disposed of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, I was going well until I was attacked by the chimps who pelted me with coconuts.

I swiped at two chimps with a spade killing them both..

What can I do? Feed them to the lions, I says to himself, because lions eat anything....

I hurled the corpses into the lion enclosure..

I moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as I start I was attacked by the bees. I grabbed the spade and smashed the bees to a pulp.

By now I know what to do and shovel them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. I was nearby when the new lion wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"




I know that you guys will moan when you read this but over 50% will use this joke!

Coops.