The Joke Thread

[mmckee1952]

THE WAY IT IS.... OR WAS


Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to
tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being
late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good. You are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed
Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General.... Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'

[roger.waite]

A rather funny fact that I read in a report on a US Survey:

86% of managers thought they were in the top 50%.
(Only 7% thought they were in the bottom 50%.)

[GordMay]

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories,hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do..

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[donw_s11]

Gord,

Some of those metaphors are priceless. Not the kind of priceless that is found in department store items with no price sticker attached to them, but rather that which implies the kind of rare genius upon which no two people are ever able to agree on a fair price...



Don W.

[Chief Engineer]

What are Jamaican Proctologists called?

Poke'mon

[mmckee1952]

Leroy and L'Quiesha go to the San Leon Primitive Baptist Church revival and listen to the preacher.

After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come

forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do

you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on

top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak

for Leroy. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back

and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday."

[mmckee1952]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where
>the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
>Grandma had had a mild stroke, and couldn't speak very well, but she
>could write notes when she needed to communicate.
>After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
>right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
>stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she
>started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and
>stuffed pillows on her left.
>Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
>her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
>A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi,
>Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
>Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
>grandson,
> ** "They won't let me fart."**

[multihullsailor6]

A gentleman celebrates his retirement by splashing out on himself and buying the newest Jaguar convertible. Upon delivery on his retirement day, with the hood down, he takes himself off on the N1 motorway (speed restriction 120 kmh) and happily cruises along with a smile on his face, content with the world and the beautiful Cape Town countryside.

Suddenly, a blue flash from the top of the car behind him catches his eyes and, upon checking his speed is 140kmh, he thinks to himself "I'll just outrun him"! And he puts his foot down - 160, 180, 200, 220kmh. When the policecar is just a small dot on the mirror, the gentleman thinks again to himself "What a way to start your retirement - stupid idiot!" and he pulls over.

In due course, the police car arrives, with the officer getting out and walking up to the Jaguar.

"Sir, I'm in a good mood, just about to start a long weekend with my family, so I hope you have a good reason for this speeding of yours?!"

"Well, Officer, when I suddenly saw your flashlight behind me I got a shock and responded automatically. You see, a few years ago my wife ran off with a policeman - and I thought you were bringing her back!"

[mmckee1952]

The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Sven demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.

The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."



Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she too is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."

Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"



Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is starkers.

"Ach, Aggie lass! Where the hell are yer drawers?"

She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[mmckee1952]

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint. The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California .. She simply is not to be trusted." The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, Congressman Barney Frank, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

[mmckee1952]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
> Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
> drops dead
> at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
> five
> continue playing standing up.
>
> Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "All right, lads, someone
> got's to
> tell Paddy's poor wife. Who will it be?"
>
> They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
> be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> "Discreet???
> I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle
> name! Leave it to me.."
>
> Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
> Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
>
> Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to
> come
> home."
>
> "Tell the son of a bitch to drop dead!" says Mrs. Murphy.
>>
>> "I'll go tell him!" says Gallagher.

[mmckee1952]

New Stock Market Terms

CEO ? Chief Embezzlement Officer


CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer


BULL MARKET ? A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius



BEAR MARKET ? a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


VALUE INVESTING ? The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO ? The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER ? What my financial planner has made me.


STANDARD & POOR ? Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST ? Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT ? When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


MARKET CORRECTION ? The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW ? The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO ? What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS ? What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ? Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.



PROFIT ? an archaic word no longer in use.

[Soundbounder]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint. The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California .. She simply is not to be trusted." The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, Congressman Barney Frank, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

Isn't child molestation and war also against church teachings???????

[Soundbounder]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
> Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
> drops dead
> at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
> five
> continue playing standing up.
>
> Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "All right, lads, someone
> got's to
> tell Paddy's poor wife. Who will it be?"
>
> They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
> be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> "Discreet???
> I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle
> name! Leave it to me.."
>
> Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
> Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
>
> Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to
> come
> home."
>
> "Tell the son of a bitch to drop dead!" says Mrs. Murphy.
>>
>> "I'll go tell him!" says Gallagher.

This one I like!!!

[mmckee1952]

Subject: Fwd: Last Nickel




A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed
the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and
serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar
reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her
way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the I.R.S.'