Cruisers Forum
 


Join CruisersForum Today

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Rating: Thread Rating: 11 votes, 4.45 average. Display Modes
Old 01-11-2013, 16:14   #2761
Moderator Emeritus
 
Coops's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern NSW.Australia
Boat: Sunmaid 20, John Welsford Navigator
Posts: 9,550
Re: The Joke Thread

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my love: chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied. "You're having soup. I was talking to the dog."

Coops.
__________________

__________________
When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
Coops is offline  
Old 01-11-2013, 16:15   #2762
Moderator Emeritus
 
Coops's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern NSW.Australia
Boat: Sunmaid 20, John Welsford Navigator
Posts: 9,550
Re: The Joke Thread

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.”
“Well, ” Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.”
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps.
“One’s in your coffee.”


Coops.
__________________

__________________
When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
Coops is offline  
Old 03-11-2013, 18:11   #2763
Senior Cruiser
 
S/V Antares's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Annapolis, Bahamas
Boat: 1983 Gulfstar 36
Posts: 1,249
Images: 1
Re: The Joke Thread

I suspect this was posted in the last 2 0r 3 thousand but for all of you ... once again..Just in case I am wrong.....

Hi coops,
I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out
for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole
bracket?
__________________
Will & Muffin
Lucy the dog

"Yes, well.. perhaps some more wine" (Julia Child)
S/V Antares is offline  
Old 03-11-2013, 18:14   #2764
Moderator Emeritus
 
Coops's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern NSW.Australia
Boat: Sunmaid 20, John Welsford Navigator
Posts: 9,550
Re: The Joke Thread

My advice. Replace the hole thing.

Coops.
__________________
When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
Coops is offline  
Old 03-11-2013, 18:20   #2765
Registered User

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: West Indies
Boat: Burger 74' motor yacht, 65 foot 12 metre, Flicka and sailing dinghy
Posts: 635
In a large provincial town in Dominican Republic, the new policeman was called into the chief's office. Fearing the worst, the recruit polished his shoes extra well.
"Good morning Santiago" said the chief. "Are you happy with being with the force?"
"Yes" replied the recruit nervously.
"I have noticed that you have been with us for 2 months and you have not picked up your paycheck" said the Chief.
"Paycheck! Paycheck? What paycheck? You gave me a gun and a badge and i figured the rest was up to me."
__________________
To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
dohenyboy is offline  
Old 03-11-2013, 18:53   #2766
Registered User
 
Weatherhelm's Avatar

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Boat: Pearson 323
Posts: 79
Re: The Joke Thread

Good one

Quote:
Originally Posted by S/V Antares View Post
I suspect this was posted in the last 2 0r 3 thousand but for all of you ... once again..Just in case I am wrong.....

Hi coops,
I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out
for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole
bracket?
__________________
Weatherhelm is offline  
Old 03-11-2013, 19:13   #2767
Senior Cruiser
 
delmarrey's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Now in Blaine, WA
Boat: Modified Choate 40
Posts: 10,702
Images: 122
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
My advice. Replace the hole thing.

Coops.
I think he should smear a little sap on the crack and fair it in.
__________________
Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful! ........
A nation of sheep breeds a government of wolves!

Unprepared boaters, end up as floatsum!.......
delmarrey is offline  
Old 03-11-2013, 20:38   #2768
Moderator
 
Adelie's Avatar

Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: La Ciudad de la Misión Didacus de Alcalá en Alta California, Virreinato de Nueva España
Boat: Cal 20
Posts: 4,614
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
I think he should smear a little sap on the crack and fair it in.
Which one, there are so many on this forum?
__________________
A house is but a boat so poorly built and so firmly run aground no one would think to try and refloat it.
SailboatData
Adelie is offline  
Old 03-11-2013, 20:38   #2769
Moderator
 
Paul Elliott's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 3,867
Images: 4
Re: The Joke Thread

Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me. The other day I left for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car slowed to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe
mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to convince me that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila Lusk

*******

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of problems with the engine. Start by making sure there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the clips holding the vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter
__________________
Paul Elliott, S/V VALIS - Pacific Seacraft 44 #16 - Friday Harbor, WA
www.sailvalis.com
Paul Elliott is online now  
Old 04-11-2013, 00:26   #2770
Moderator Emeritus
 
Coops's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern NSW.Australia
Boat: Sunmaid 20, John Welsford Navigator
Posts: 9,550
Re: The Joke Thread

Always funny, man boobs.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DONpW9yqBF...an+boobs+1.jpg

Volume two.

http://cdn0.lostateminor.com/wp-cont...an-boobs-2.jpg

Coops.
__________________
When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
Coops is offline  
Old 05-11-2013, 06:49   #2771
Registered User
 
avb3's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida/Alberta
Boat: Lippincott 30
Posts: 9,913
Images: 1
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on.”

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy dealing with the two blokes in the Fiat Uno".
__________________
If your attitude resembles the south end of a bull heading north, it's time to turn around.
avb3 is offline  
Old 05-11-2013, 06:57   #2772
Nearly an old salt
 
goboatingnow's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 13,649
Images: 3
One wonders what they would have done with a fiat cinquecento


Dave
__________________
Check out my new blog on smart boat technology, networking and gadgets for the connected sailor! - http://smartboats.tumblr.com
goboatingnow is offline  
Old 05-11-2013, 10:43   #2773
Senior Cruiser
 
senormechanico's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Aug 2003
Boat: Dragonfly 1000 trimaran
Posts: 5,827
Re: The Joke Thread

Or a Chrysler 300
__________________
Memento,homo, quia pulvis es, et in pulverem reverteris.
senormechanico is online now  
Old 05-11-2013, 11:31   #2774
Registered User
 
ontherocks83's Avatar

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Massachusetts
Boat: Checkmate Strobe 201
Posts: 1,593
Re: The Joke Thread

If the dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door who do you let in first.....

The dog he'll shut up once you let him in
__________________
ontherocks83 is offline  
Old 05-11-2013, 12:05   #2775
Registered User
 
ontherocks83's Avatar

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Massachusetts
Boat: Checkmate Strobe 201
Posts: 1,593
Re: The Joke Thread

Why do men usually die before their wives?...

Because they want to.
__________________

__________________
-Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum
-Molon Labe
ontherocks83 is offline  
Closed Thread

Tags
Jokes, paracelle

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 21:44.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.