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Old 23-10-2013, 20:27   #2701
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Re: The Joke Thread

A crusty old biker from Brisbane out on a long summer ride in the country on a hot Sunday arvo, pulls up to the Aratula Pub in the middle of nowhere out on the Cunningham Highway, parks his bike and walks inside.


As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $3.00?
HAMBURGER: $10.00?
CHEESEBURGER: $8.50?
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50?
HAND JOB : $50.00


Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender, who is serving drinks to a couple of sunwrinkled potato farmers, a grazier or two, and half a dozen interstate truckies.


She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, seductive smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are ya the one who gives the hand-jobs?

She looks into his eyes with that wide, coy smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".


The ole' biker leans closer, and into her left ear he whispers softly,

"Well, wash ya hands real good, coz I want a chicken sandwich".


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Old 23-10-2013, 20:32   #2702
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Re: The Joke Thread

cricketing jokes with a slight apology for posting!!!
What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?
A laughing stock.

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’
Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”
What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A waiter.
Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What’s the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was chained to his foot.
What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey
tells her he’s heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”

What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
The bloke who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.

What’s the Australian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

Why can’t Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

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Old 24-10-2013, 07:30   #2703
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Re: The Joke Thread

Costa Concordia

(probably not in the best taste - but this made me smile)

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

What do the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia have in common? The bottom has dropped out of both.
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Old 24-10-2013, 08:04   #2704
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Re: The Joke Thread

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'
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Old 24-10-2013, 08:05   #2705
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Re: The Joke Thread

Don't make me shop!
This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter
from her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on lay -b y.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave
me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet
paper in here!"


Regards,
K -Mart.
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Old 24-10-2013, 08:05   #2706
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Re: The Joke Thread

After recent disasters such as the recent Costa Concordia crash, we often turn to history for comfort.

In lieu of the actions of the actions of Captain Schettino, I direct you to the words of Winston Churchill.

Late in his life, Sir Winston Churchill took a cruise on an Italian ship. A journalist from a New York newspaper approached the former prime minister to ask him why he chose to travel on an Italian line when the Queen Elizabeth under the British flag was available.

Churchill gave the question his consideration and then gravely replied:

“There are three things I like about Italian ships.

First, their cuisine, which is unsurpassed.
Second, their service, which is quite superb.
Third, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.
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Old 24-10-2013, 08:09   #2707
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Re: The Joke Thread

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...



>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...



>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

---------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

--------------------------------------------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

---------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

----------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...


---------------------------------------------------


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always
something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well
sweep
the driveway.'

and then the fight started...

-------------------------------
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Old 24-10-2013, 08:17   #2708
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Re: The Joke Thread

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport, in Florida USA.

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

Finally she is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over the stricken stewardess, gives her a comforting pat and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a **** first.'
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Old 24-10-2013, 14:45   #2709
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Re: The Joke Thread

The REAL Papal candidate
Jorge Mario Bergoglio was not the Cardinals' first choice to be the new pope, and to become Pope Francis. Their first choice was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Air Force during WWII and spent two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.
Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move.
Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave himArgyria, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin colouration.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy. They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

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Old 24-10-2013, 15:02   #2710
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

Coops.
I just ran that joke past two crew who are in their early/mid 50's.... totally lost on them.....
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Old 24-10-2013, 15:26   #2711
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Re: The Joke Thread

They never heard of a purple people eater?
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Old 24-10-2013, 15:27   #2712
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Re: The Joke Thread

nope.... never heard of them..... young people... I ask you......
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Old 24-10-2013, 15:31   #2713
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Re: The Joke Thread

It was an old pop song, I used to hear it when I was a kid. Late 60s or early 70s.
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Old 24-10-2013, 15:33   #2714
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Quote:
Originally Posted by captain58sailin View Post
It was an old pop song, I used to hear it when I was a kid. Late 60s or early 70s.
Came out late 50s
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Old 24-10-2013, 15:44   #2715
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Re: The Joke Thread

1958....
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