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Old 21-10-2013, 15:26   #2686
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Re: The Joke Thread

I didn't get that one either. . . . Here's the missing bit of info for us slower students:

Myxomatosis is a severe viral disease of rabbits that decimated the wild rabbit population when it arrived in Britain 50 years ago. Domestic rabbits are also susceptible to the disease and deaths in pets are reported every year.
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Old 21-10-2013, 15:38   #2687
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jongleur View Post
Mixin’ me toasties

Had to google that one...
Known as " the mix" when I was a whipper snapper

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Old 21-10-2013, 16:10   #2688
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Re: The Joke Thread

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon, from Toronto , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second, from Montreal, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is
color coded."


The third surgeon, from Saskatchewan , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon, from Vancouver chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'


But the fifth surgeon, from Ottawa , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
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Old 21-10-2013, 16:24   #2689
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Re: The Joke Thread

A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:
"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from the USA, says, "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from England, says, "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Scotland, says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.

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Old 22-10-2013, 02:24   #2690
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, some a&$hole is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

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Old 22-10-2013, 02:26   #2691
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Re: The Joke Thread

"A suicidally depressed man has jumped on to the tracks in front of the special service steam train running today. He was chuffed to bits"

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Old 22-10-2013, 03:36   #2692
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Re: The Joke Thread

In these turbulent times of unemployment, a desperate man went into a Job Centre in Cape Town and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Very interested he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave them and then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is R240 000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Johannesburg."

"My word, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is.
"
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Old 22-10-2013, 17:39   #2693
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Old 22-10-2013, 17:47   #2694
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Re: The Joke Thread

That is good.Reminds me when I used to go up to a lake nearby and watch the remote control model guys fly their planes and steer their boats. This one guy came down with a submarine that he had spent a hundred years or so building. All were impressed by the workmanship etc. So he puts it in the water and shuffles it around on the surface, then he goes into dive. He steered it around under water for a while, which was as exciting as that picture, then pressed "up". Nothing. It still sits in about 80 feet of water to this day.

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Old 23-10-2013, 06:46   #2695
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Re: The Joke Thread

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the men in the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to sing or talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".
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Old 23-10-2013, 16:19   #2696
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Re: The Joke Thread

The difference between Guts and Balls


Gutsis arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wifeholding a broom, and asking ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
Ballsis coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer,withlipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and saying ''You're next, fatty.''
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Old 23-10-2013, 16:34   #2697
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house.I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."
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Old 23-10-2013, 19:59   #2698
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Re: The Joke Thread

How Yodelling Started
Many years ago, a young man was travelling through the Swiss mountains.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farm house and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him he could sleep in the barn. The farmers daughter asked her father, "who is that man going into the barn"? The farmer replied, "Oh, just some young lad travelling through so I told him he could sleep in the barn".
The daughter said, "perhaps he is hungry" and prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later she returned, her clothing in disarray and straw in her hair. She went straight up to bed.
The farmers wife being very observant suggested that perhaps the young man was thirsty so she fetched a bottle of wine took it out to the barn and didn't return for an hour. When she came back, her clothing was askew and her blouse was buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight for bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and left, waving goodbye to the farmer.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the young man had gone, she burst into tears. "How could he leave without saying goodbye"? "We made such passionate love last night."
"What?", shouted the farmer as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the young man, who by this time was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The young man looked back down the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth and shouted, 'LAIDTHEOLLADEETOO".
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Old 23-10-2013, 20:18   #2699
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Re: The Joke Thread

LIFE AS WE LIVE TODAY
I want to thank all of you for your helpful educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 thatBill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.


I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Woollies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . ..

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


Enjoy - and I look forward to your further inspirational and motivational snippets of useful and totally useless information next year.

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Old 23-10-2013, 20:25   #2700
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Re: The Joke Thread

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, spluttering and coughing.

'Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'

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