The Joke Thread

[blue noser]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken

[blue noser]

The Husband Store



A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the doo reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs



She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sig reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that lov sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[blue noser]

hope you all enjoyed

wade

[mmckee1952]

I know this is a bit long, but it's worth it in the end.

It's about Getting old


The Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his



zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked


up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd


closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..'



An elderly gentleman...had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.



The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'



The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed


my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting


on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.


I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'



Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'


'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'



'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'



The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'



The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'



'Do you mean a rose?'



'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards


the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.



After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife


was meeting him.



'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things


down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.



'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'



'Sure..'



'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.



'No, I can remember it..'



'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'



He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream


with strawberries. '



'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.



Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'



Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.



'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:



'So I hear you're getting married?'



'Yep!'



'Do I know her?'



'Nope!'



'This woman, is she good looking?'



'Not really.'



'Is she a good cook?'



'Naw, she can't cook too well.'



'Does she have lots of money?'



'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'



'Well, then, is she good in bed?'



'I don't know.'



'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'



'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'



'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'



'Twelve thirty.'


One more. . .!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.



The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'



'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[dufman]

This lone deaf and dumb golfer comes upon a party of golfers on the seventh tee area and asks the party by writing on a small card if he might please play through.

The group's leader tells him no way! They proceed to tee off and completely ignore the poor guy.

When the group are well up the fairway chatting away, the guy tees up and hits a great fly ball which lands on the back of the nastier guy's head.

They all look back to see where that ball came from and see the deaf guy standing there waving four fingers . . . Ha!

By the way,
Don't feed viagra to lawyers . . . it only makes them grow taller.

[GordMay]

IT IS THE LAW:
WHEN SELLING YOUR HOUSE FULL DISCLOSURE IS A MUST!
Legally, you must state everything known to be wrong with it.

Here’s my neighbour’s sign.

[GordMay]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[mmckee1952]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am
celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[mmckee1952]

John Kennedy once said to a assembled group of scholars in the White House " I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered at the White House - with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."




The quotes below could prove his point. His words have come to pass. . .



When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe .
Thomas Jefferson
=0 A
The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.
Thomas Jefferson

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.
Thomas Jefferson

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
Thomas Jefferson

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.
Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right! to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
Thomas Jefferson

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the b lood of patriots and tyrants.
Thomas Jefferson


Very Interesting Quote:

In light of the present financ ial crisis, it's interesting to read what Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:

'I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.

[D.D.]

Why is this in the Joke thread???????????????

[mmckee1952]

Just think about it..... who's the joke on?

[mmckee1952]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[mmckee1952]

TURPENTINE VS HOLY WATER

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'

[mmckee1952]

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes into one of those big
"everything-under-one-roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid replies, "Yeah. I was a salesman at a big store just like this one back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You'll start tomorrow. I'll come down
after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how the young man had made out.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one ?? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65", replies the kid.
Stunned, the boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well...first, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition"

The boss said, "Wait a minute. A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat
AND a truck ?"
The kid said "No. The guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

[fred]

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they are okay, then it’s you!"

fred