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Old 15-10-2013, 17:47   #2656
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.


“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”


The policeman asks, “Really?

And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies

“My wife”.

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Old 15-10-2013, 17:48   #2657
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Re: The Joke Thread

Irish Burial at Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been
a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their
promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag
and loaded onto their rowboat..

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing
in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the
water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and
almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to
his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the
side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself
into a state when suddenly

Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'


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Old 15-10-2013, 17:50   #2658
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Re: The Joke Thread

A husband and his wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE:
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:
"Of course I do.."

WIFE:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND:
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE:
"You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan)

WIFE:
"Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:
"Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:
"Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE:
"Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND:
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE:
"Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:
"Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE:
"Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND:
"No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"sh$t."

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Old 15-10-2013, 17:51   #2659
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Re: The Joke Thread

A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle.


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Old 15-10-2013, 22:07   #2660
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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: TWO PROSTITUTES - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: JESUS SAVES.

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:


"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER - $50.00.
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Old 16-10-2013, 07:44   #2661
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One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, "Well, he's certainly not my husband."

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances and says, "He's not my husband either."

He then passes by the third woman, who also looks as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not a member of this club."
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Old 16-10-2013, 15:28   #2662
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Re: The Joke Thread

Very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor
of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off,
too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas !
I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch...
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Old 16-10-2013, 16:35   #2663
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Re: The Joke Thread

On passage down the Thames Estuary from Holehaven to Harwich the yachtsman is overtaken by a motor barge which then alters to port and heads across the edge of the Maplin sands. Good enough for him , good enough for me thinks the yachtsman and follows him. Not much later the barge glides to a halt as does the yacht which is close astern of him. Not a sign of life on the barge as the ebb keeps on... well... ebbing.
Soon after when both barge and yacht are dried right out a man appears on the barge, throws a ladder over the side and climbs down it with a shovel over his shoulder.

He walks over to the yacht and sez to the yachtsman.........

.

.

.

'Are you here to load gravel as well?....
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Old 17-10-2013, 02:19   #2664
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Re: The Joke Thread

ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

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Old 17-10-2013, 14:37   #2665
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Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire telling stories of their bravado. Tom, the cow hand from Wyoming, says, " I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is". The other day a bull got loose in the corral, it gored 6 men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns barehanded, and castrated the ****er with my teeth.
Ben, from Idaho, cant stand to be bested.

"Thats nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday, and a 15ft rattlesnake slid from out from under a rock and made a move for me, I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off his head, sucked down the poison in 1 gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.

Old Snake River Frank, the cowboy from Texas, remains silent, slowly stoking the campfire coals with his penis...
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Old 17-10-2013, 14:47   #2666
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sometimes life is cruel...
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Old 17-10-2013, 14:57   #2667
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Re: The Joke Thread

A picture says a thousand words!
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Old 17-10-2013, 14:58   #2668
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Re: The Joke Thread

Why are wedding dresses white?............



....Because most major appliances come in white
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Old 17-10-2013, 15:02   #2669
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Old 17-10-2013, 15:19   #2670
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Re: The Joke Thread

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
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