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Old 08-10-2013, 19:12   #2596
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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Old 08-10-2013, 20:41   #2597
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Re: The Joke Thread

Just saw this recently.

best of craigslist: LARGE HOUSE! LOTS OF ROOM! RECENTLY OPEN!
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Old 09-10-2013, 02:35   #2598
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Re: The Joke Thread

How to get to Heaven from Ireland : A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?

''NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?

'Again, the answer was 'NO!

''If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish.

Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
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Old 09-10-2013, 04:42   #2599
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Re: Kiwi's boat sinks

Quote:
Originally Posted by knottybuoyz View Post
After their boat sinks, two Kiwi's are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.

SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!

"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."

The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"

The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "beer".

"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"

His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!!Ē
I read this myself twice and to my friends also, both got great laughs about it.
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Old 09-10-2013, 14:09   #2600
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Re: The Joke Thread

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

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Old 09-10-2013, 14:12   #2601
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Dog lover...
....whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them, she was perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet....who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked

"It just worked for me" he replied.

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Old 09-10-2013, 14:13   #2602
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old digger . They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old digger top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

The digger won.

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Old 09-10-2013, 14:15   #2603
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Re: The Joke Thread

Life on an Irish Farm
Life on an Irish Farm




While passing by Mick's hay shed, Paddy he sees Mick doing a slow and VERY sensual striptease in front of the old red Massey Ferguson.


Buttocks tightly clenched, Mick performs a slow pirouette and then gently slides off first his right welly, slowly followed by the left.


He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .



Grabbing both sides of his worn check shirt he rapidly rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap in the air as he collapses, sprawls spread-eagled onto a pile of hay.


'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy


'Jaysus Paddy, ye frightened the liviní shoite out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick,



Truth is that me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist said that I should try doing something sexy to a tractor . "

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Old 10-10-2013, 00:03   #2604
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Re: The Joke Thread

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano,
it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience
into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"****!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Centre and Claude was never invited there again.

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Old 10-10-2013, 12:53   #2605
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Re: The Joke Thread

Jeeez Coops... I feel we should be sending you money for this show!
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Old 10-10-2013, 13:46   #2606
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Re: The Joke Thread

Well, please, don't fight the urge if it makes you feel better.

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Old 11-10-2013, 19:44   #2607
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Re: The Joke Thread

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


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Old 11-10-2013, 19:48   #2608
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Re: The Joke Thread

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.Shoulda bought a hat.'

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Old 11-10-2013, 19:49   #2609
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Re: The Joke Thread

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

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Old 11-10-2013, 19:52   #2610
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Re: The Joke Thread

Six Truths in Life






1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.

























2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.




















3. And discover #1 is a lie.
















4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

















5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.










6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .....










I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

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