The Joke Thread

[Rhapsody-NS27]

Originally Posted by D&D

In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

God save the Queen.

[Coops]

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little
Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown."

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

Coops.

[Coops]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."






The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Coops.

[Coops]

They were having trouble with the new female gorilla at the Sydney Zoo. She was ripping up all her enclosure and getting aggressive towards the keepers.

The zoo's vet examined her and found that she was on heat and suggested that they have her mated.

The zoo administration made some enquiries and found that the closest male gorilla was in Perth and it would cost $50,000 to have him bought across to Sydney.

The gorilla's chief handler suggested "Why don't we get that big KIWI bloke who cleans the crap out of the cages to give her one. He would do it for $400 I reckon"

The zoo admin said "It's worth a shot". So they asked him to come into the office and they put the proposition to him.

"We want you to have sex with the female gorilla for $400 whadayareckon"?

The KIWI says "You whell have tu let me thunk about ut . I whell guv you an unswer in the mornung"

The next day he comes in and says "I heve thought it over and whell I am prepared to do ut under three condutions.

1. I am not gunna kuss her.

2. You can't tull unyone

and 3. Cun you give me tull Monday to cume up with the $400"?

Coops.

[Coops]

An elderly,white-haired man, walked into a jewellry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

Coops.

[Coops]

Marriage anyone?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

Coops.

[Coops]

Not many people know of this interesting fact!



In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the Australians somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

Coops.

[Weatherhelm]

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked: "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"

[Weatherhelm]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ….. Dave, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[Weatherhelm]

a blonde is watching the news, hears a story about two Brazilian skydivers falling to their death, starts crying ... when her boyfriend asked her why she was so upset, she said between sobs...

"How many is a brazzilion?"

[D&D]

Due to the current sequester, the Government has decided to
implement a scheme to put all workers 50 years of age and
above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and
reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be
considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced
Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many
times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse)or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Representative, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned
off.

[BigJohn]

How about a coffee?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BMU...layer_embedded

[BigJohn]

Awesome prank !!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYTD...layer_embedded

[BigJohn]

Anyone in the autumn of their years pondering their mortality should take heart from the advice given by a tough old fishingboat skipper from Maine to his granddaughter,

The secret to a long life, he counselled, was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren ...

... and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by BigJohn

She left behind 14 children, .

I think she should have sprinkled something else on her oatmeal