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Old 01-10-2013, 20:08   #2566
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Re: The Joke Thread

Gorilla Removal




Man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?"

I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
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Old 02-10-2013, 00:11   #2567
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

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Old 03-10-2013, 14:51   #2568
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Re: The Joke Thread

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin?
**** ... is it midnight already?'


The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as ‘Best come-back line ever.
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Old 04-10-2013, 02:33   #2569
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Re: The Joke Thread

Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant!!!
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Old 05-10-2013, 17:24   #2570
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

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Old 05-10-2013, 17:26   #2571
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Re: The Joke Thread

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that.......... Chuck was too tired.'

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Old 05-10-2013, 17:28   #2572
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Re: The Joke Thread

my wife tells me that she and her friends were having coffee and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

First friend said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

Second responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my ******* bleached!”

“Whoa,” Wife responded “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

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Old 05-10-2013, 17:32   #2573
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Re: The Joke Thread

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,

but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,

so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love

and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,

Mr. Smith replies,

"Well Bruce, you are only 10..

Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,

Bruce replies,

"InJenny's room.

It's bigger than mine

and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable

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Old 05-10-2013, 17:32   #2574
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Re: The Joke Thread

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the Church association dinner last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

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Old 05-10-2013, 17:34   #2575
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Re: The Joke Thread

An Irish rugby fan is drinking in an English bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. Sean hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife Coleen has just given birth back home to a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but our hero just shrugs and replies, "Dat's about average in Oireland... like I said - me boy's one of ya typical Oirish baby boys. He’s gonna be a rugby player when he gets older. Probably in de front row!"

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!'.

Two weeks later, Sean returns to the bar. The barman says, "Say Paddy, aren't you the father of the baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? The chums here have been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds about now." The barman is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious.

"What the devil has happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" Sean takes a slow swig of his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the barman and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

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Old 05-10-2013, 17:36   #2576
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Re: The Joke Thread

A blonde went to the market one day to buy penny candy for her kids. She selects an assortment of hard candy and one of taffy's and asks the storekeeper, "How much is it?"

"14 cents," answered the storekeeper, after quickly counting up the pieces."14 cents!? For what?" asked the blonde. The storekeeper explained, "The 7 pieces of hard candy cost 7 cents, while the 14 taffy's, which are on special, are another 7 cents. So together it comes to 14 cents."

"I know different!" replied the blonde, indignantly. "7 + 7 is 11." "WHAT?" said the storekeeper. "7 + 7 is 11!" replied the blonde emphatically.

"And how do you come to that?" asks the storekeeper "I had 4 children by my first husband, before he died. Then I married a second time, and my second husband also had 4 children, from his first wife. Then, after we were married, we had 3 children together.""So, each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11 children. So, obviously, 7 + 7 is 11."

The shopkeeper gave her the candy for 11 cents.

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Old 05-10-2013, 17:38   #2577
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Aussie guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek. The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Aussie guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. The Australian thinks:
The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Kiwi thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that bloody Aussie again.

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Old 06-10-2013, 04:58   #2578
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Re: The Joke Thread

This is no place for the truth, no really, and I won't cut and paste for fear of prosecution but some here may understand A. L.'s feelings:
Multihulturism
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Old 06-10-2013, 11:24   #2579
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Re: The Joke Thread

Excuses Excuses

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
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Old 06-10-2013, 20:36   #2580
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Re: The Joke Thread

In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.
You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Thank you for your cooperation.
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