The Joke Thread

[Coops]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each groupwas asked to give four reasons for itsrecommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for
it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

It was a draw.

Coops.

[Coops]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker." "I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Coops.

[Coops]

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the @%$& down.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the @%$& he wants.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a @%$&ing Indian.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the **** out of them.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he ****es.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the @%$& off.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Although Spiderman's spidey sense is impressive, Chuck Norris has a roundhouse sense that allows him to kick ass before the ass even shows up.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the @%$& Chuck Norris is.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris once fought a bear simply because it dared to grow more body hair than Chuck Norris.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Chuck Norris thought Arnold's movie "Commando" was lacking in senseless killings.

Chuck Norris once played Jenga. The result was the Empire State Building.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

Chuck Norris is the only person in history to have went black and went back.

Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.

Chuck Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his property the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris".

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Not only does Chuck Norris talk in the third-person, he sees in the third-person.

Chuck Norris found the cure to cancer a long time ago. he didn't tell anyone, stating it would "be funnier this way".

Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.

When Chuck Norris enters a night club, he instantly becomes the life of the party. An instant is roughly how long it takes Chuck Norris to kill a room full of people.

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Coops.

[Coops]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
action.. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her
best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's
trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Coops.

[Coops]

A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of hell and tells him, "I don't know what all you've heard up there, but hell isn't all that bad a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?"

The man answers, "Yes, I do"

"Oh, good then," the devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?"

The man answers, "Yeah, sure, I like to drink."

The devil says, "Good, you'll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks."

"You'll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?"

"Sure," says the man, "I swear a lot."

"Great then. You'll love Wednesdays."

The devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you'll just love Wednesdays."

"Oh, by the way," asks the devil, "Are you gay?"

"Hell no," the man replies, "I hate gay's!"

The devil looks at him, and says, "Then you're gonna hate Thursdays."

Coops.

[Coops]

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to crap yourself" road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the kitchen. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a trolly and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, bugger, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began
to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off
angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the toilet, began the inevitable 'Oh my God',
floating above the toilet seat because my tushy is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, Son-of-a-pregnant dog!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled trolly intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!" then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
The Pricks claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Coops.

[T1 Terry]

MEN DO REMEMBER
ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

T1 Terry

[Coops]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name ofParacetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen..

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


Coops.

[Coops]

Greek Philosophy

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or
spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do
you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about
Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you
are about to tell me istrue?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me
something about Diogenes that may be bad,

even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there
is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True
nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates
was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Coops.

[Coops]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
House.

She knocked on the door then immediately
Walked in. She was shocked to see her
Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
Naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
Perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
Work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
Explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
Explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
Dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
Me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
Undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
On the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
And saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
Sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

Coops.

[Coops]

Just nothing going right....

The little guy was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a big trouble making bikie steps up him, grabs his drink and skulls it down in one swig.

"Well whatcha gonna do about it?" bellows the bikie menacingly and the little guy just burst into tears.

"Awww c'mon man, I didn't think you'd CRY" said the bikie, "I can't stand to see a grown man cry".

"This is the worst day of my life" says the little guy.
"I'm a complete failure, This morning I was 10 minutes late for a meeting and my boss sacked me, when I went to the carpark I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home and when I got home I found my wife in bed with the milkman then my dog bit me".

"So I came into this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in the drink and while I'm waiting for the poison to dissolve some dirty great smartarse steals the drink and gulps down the whole lot!".


Coops.

[Coops]

A classic.

Ronnie Barker - Mispronunciation Sketch - YouTube

Coops.

[Coops]

Round animals are funny.

What if animals were round? [VIDEO]

Coops.

[Chrisc]

A blond, walking down the street sees two workmen with a ladder staring at a flagpole.
"What's the problem?" she asks one. "Well," he replies, "our boss told us to measure the height of the flagpole but our ladder is too short for us to reach the top."
The blond goes the the workmen s' toolbox, selects a spanner, undoes the two bolts at the base of the pole and with the men's help, lowers the pole to the ground. Then she takes a tape from the toolbox, gets one of the men to hold the tape at one end whilst she runs it out to the other. "Its 25 foot." she says, hands back the tape and walks off.
The two workmen look at each other. "Now isn't that just typical of a blond." says the one. "We wanted the height, and she's given us the length.

[D&D]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog for Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees anicelooking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock ofhearinga dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told theCIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting fromcountry to country,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, becauseno one figured adogwould be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies foreightyears running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.


I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.


I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'


'I got married, had amess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a liar. He's never been out of the yard'