The Joke Thread

[Coops]

A 2011 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

Coops.

[Coops]

Back in dinosaur times names were quite simple.Foot Foot was strolling through the under growth when he came across Foot Foot Foot. Foot Foot said to Foot Foot Foot "Hello Foot Foot Foot, how are you going/ I've heard that Foot is not well, might have caught that disease wiping out us dinosaurs" Foot Foot Foot said to Foot Foot, "Hello Foot Foot I'm well enough and I see you're keeping well too. It is a shame to hear Foot is not well, hope he gets better." So about a week later Foot Foot was down by the water hole and along came Foot Foot Foot. Foot Foot greeted Foot Foot Foot with a friendly hello. Foot Foot Foot said to Foot Foot " Foot Foot have you heard the news?" 'no I have not" said Foot Foot. So Foot Foot Foot said to Foot Foot "It is really sad news, Foot has died" Foot Foot replied to Foot Foot Foot "gee we will have to be careful now Foot Foot Foot" "Why must we be careful Foot Foot?" asked Foot Foot Foot. Foot Foot replied to Foot Foot Foot "well we already have one Foot in the grave"

P.s Try reciting that with a few beers under your belt and not put a Foot wrong.

Coops.

[Coops]

Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves..

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp..

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in theBahamas ,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life..'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree..

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Coops.

[Coops]

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican....
Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are The Seven Dwarfs,they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question,thought for a moment and answered, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs started giggling.

Grumpy turned around and glared, silencing them.

Grumpy turned back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thought for a moment and then answered, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turned around and silenced them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turned back and said, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions said, "I'm sorry,my son, truly there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

ALL the other dwarfs collapsed into a heap,rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting .......















"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

Coops.

[Coops]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Coops.

[carstenb]

The seaman had been on the water for many months and finally hit shore. He immediately went to a house of ill-repute. But since he hadn't been paid, he had no money.
I walked and said to the madam: "Mine equipment is so long that your girls will give it to me for free. Matter of fact, my equipment is so long that it is the longest you've ever seen!"

The madam looked at him and said: "I've heard that many a time before. If yours really is the longest we've ever seen, you can choose a girl and it will be one the house"

She led him into the room next door, and there was a table with lines drawn at one end on it. Alongside each line was a name and date.

The sailor walked up to the end with the lines, whipped out humongus and slapped it on the table. It was clearly several inches longer than the furthest line.
Smiling, he said to the madam: "Long enough for you?"

The madam smiled back and said "yes, very nice - but usually the men stand at the other end of the table"

[SKIPPER2C]

Thought of the Day

Women are basically greedy; they want all things from one man.

While men are so simple; they only want one thing from all women.

[captain58sailin]

Too True!

[Therapy]

This may have been here before.............

PRICELESS STORY !




Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
Alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As
Bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.



Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
Couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to
Them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of
Him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in
Perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
Aspirins, cringes
When he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
Bathroom mirror.Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
Written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
Lipstick:"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,



I left early to get groceries to makeYou your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
Breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the mornin newspaper. His 16 year old son
Is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"



"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over
The coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got
That black eye when you ran into the door."Confused, he asked his son, "So,
Why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
Breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"



His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
Tried to take your pants off, you screamed....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"



Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Coops

Back in dinosaur times names were quite simple.Foot Foot was strolling through the under growth when he came across Foot Foot Foot. Foot Foot said to Foot Foot Foot "Hello Foot Foot Foot,

P.s Try reciting that with a few beers under your belt and not put a Foot wrong. Coops.

I can't say this without a few beers. I am going to try it after a couple and see if I do better!!

[Finistere]

I was eating breakfast with my 13-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is the 20th of February?"

She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.

She replied,

"President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

[Coops]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Coops.

[Coops]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain. “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you would all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge,” said theeyes“Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I'm responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.


Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge

Coops.

[Coops]

A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day, one of his experiments paid off. He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur. For many years, the dog was happy. But over time, he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression. Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.
--

Coops.

[Coops]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing espect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy' wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
__________________

Coops.