The Joke Thread

[Coops]

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE !!!!!!!!!

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'

Coops.

[Coops]

Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
__________________

Coops.

[Coops]

Is this some strange fish? Turn the volume up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9BSW38bXg

Coops.

[D&D]

CLETUS & BILLY BOB

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

[T1 Terry]

Now, we have all heard the term Quantitive easing, but do any of us actually know how it works......
Well, her it, all explained by an economist
7.30 - ABC

T1 Terry

[SKIPPER2C]

Behind every man

Barbara Walters, an American TV journalist, years before the then Afghan conflict on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, reported. She noted women walking about five paces behind their husbands. She later returned to Kabul and saw the women are still behind the man. Despite the overthrow of the Taliban regime, appeared the women persevered with the old and happy.

Walters asked one of the women: "Why do it if you are not happy with an earlier old custom that you like to change?" The woman looked Walters in the eyes and said:

"Landmines."

[captain58sailin]

I finally have one, probably already been posted, but it's new to me.


Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming... One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.

There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long,
long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer

[carstenb]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build
improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush
toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things in Hell?

Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air
conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next.

What! God exclaims: You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he
should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.

Not a chance, Satan replies: I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I’m keeping him!

God insists: Send him back or I’ll sue!

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: Yeah, right.
And where are you going to get a lawyer?


and the old standby

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean, chained to a big chunk of concrete?




A good start

[D&D]

Little known facts about Las Vegas...

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.



THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

[Coops]

The Irish wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler [Paddy] were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer [Sean] came to Paddy and said, 'Now listen here Paddy, whatever ya do me lad, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian fella. He's never lost a match because of the 'pretzel' hold he has. So, whatever ya do lad, fer god’s sake, don’t be letting him get ya in that-there hold!
If he does, ya're finished; kaput; a goner; fenito, fer sure.'

Paddy nodded his acknowledgment.

As the match started, Paddy and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Paddy, and, you guessed it, wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and Sean buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He just couldn't bear to watch the inevitable happen.

Then suddenly, there was a long, high-pitchedscream, followed by a cheer from the crowd and, asSean raised his eyes out of his hands,he was just in time to catch sight of the Russian go flyin, up in the air, his back finally hitting the mat with a loud thud,followed byPaddy collapsing on top of him, making the pin, and winning the match.

Sean was absolutely gob-smacked. When he finally got Paddy alone, he asked, 'How in god’s name did ya ever manage to get out of that hold? Sure no one has ever done the like of it before?'

Paddy answered, 'Well, I was good and ready as to have given up after he got me into that hold, but just at the last minute, didn’t I manage to open me eyes and there, right in front of me I saw this pair of testicles,hanging, right there, in front of me face. I decided I had nothing to lose, so, with me last ounce of strength, I stretched out me neck, and bit on those babies, just as hard as I could.'

Sean exclaimed, 'So, that's how you finished him off?’

'Well, no, not really Sean’, Paddy replied,Sure ya'd be absolutely amazed at how strong yacan get, when yahave a bite of yar own nuts!’

Coops.

[Coops]

A BMW asked a Volkswagen Beetle"Why are your eyes popping out of your body?" The Volkswagen replied, "Let them put an engine in your arse and see what happens to your eyes."

Coops.

[Coops]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters..

They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.


The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.


It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.


The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
And the card read: 'Rothmans'


Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,
And she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.



The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .
Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing...
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.


Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '

Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.





The ad said:
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'


Mum fainted!

Coops.

[Coops]

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their
boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the bloody
boat!"

Coops.

[Coops]

A doctor requested that his 88-year-old patient have a sperm count as

part of his annual physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 88-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office

and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous

day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,

it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing.



'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then

with her left, still nothing... She tried with her mouth, first with

the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up

Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,

and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour? The old man

replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

Coops.

[Jeff Millar]

WHY ARE BLIND PEOPLE NOT ALLOWED TO SKY DIVE ?

See below





IT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF THEIR DOG