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Old 11-09-2013, 15:27   #2431
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks "Was that cross enough"?
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Old 11-09-2013, 15:27   #2432
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Re: The Joke Thread

Makes Sense to Me...

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

------------------------------------------------------
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!....
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Old 11-09-2013, 15:43   #2433
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Re: The Joke Thread

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses".

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Old 11-09-2013, 15:45   #2434
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Re: The Joke Thread

The attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged at midnight for murder.

His last plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.




As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it? ....'

and on, and on, and on.



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by further sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.


She said 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said, and he whirled around and roared, 'For the love of God, woman, don't you ever stop?'

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Old 11-09-2013, 20:52   #2435
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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made*
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
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Old 11-09-2013, 21:03   #2436
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Re: The Joke Thread

"TWERK"

1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.

2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday, 9-5pm.

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Old 12-09-2013, 02:17   #2437
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Re: The Joke Thread

Got to find a smile in some of these.

ThisIsWhyImBroke.com :: The Internet's Mall

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Old 12-09-2013, 05:20   #2438
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Re: The Joke Thread

Gotta have me one of these
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Old 12-09-2013, 05:37   #2439
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Re: The Joke Thread

The 'JEDI' bath robes looked a hoot!
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Old 12-09-2013, 06:10   #2440
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Re: The Joke Thread

You can waste some time on there for sure. But does anybody buy them? Bacon condoms?

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Old 12-09-2013, 06:14   #2441
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Quote:
Originally Posted by T1 Terry View Post
When people ask what you learned today ....

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golfing term.

T1 Terry
**** is a powerful word. Just think of all the
concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. ****
may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be **** faced, be **** out of luck,
or have **** for brains. With a little effort you
can get your **** together, find a place for your ****
or decide to **** or get off the pot. You can smoke
****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget
****, and tell others to eat **** and die.

You can **** or go blind, have a **** fit or just ****
your life away. People can be **** headed, **** for brains,
**** blinded, **** over or **** on. Some people know their
**** while others don't know the difference between ****
and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and
sweet shits. There is bull ****, dog ****, cat ****,
bird ****, whale ****, rat ****, and horse ****.
There is tough ****, hard ****, soft ****, slimy ****,
rough ****, limp ****. You can **** a blue streak,
**** bricks, **** pink twinkies, **** marbles, or ****
your guts out.

You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, or duck
when the **** hits the fan. You can take a ****, give
a ****, keep **** or serve **** on a shingle. You
can find yourself in deep ****, or be happier than a
pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter
than ****, and some days are just plain shitty.
There is funny **** and sad ****, bad **** and
good ****. Some **** doesn't stink while other
things really smell like ****.

Some music sounds like ****, things can look like
****, and there are times when you feel like ****.
You can be faster than **** or you can be slower
than ****. Sometimes you'll find **** on a stick,
sometimes you'll find **** everywhere, and then there
are times when you can't find **** at all. You can
have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****,
the wrong **** or a lot of weird ****..

You can carry **** in a bucket, put **** in a barrel,
have a pile of ****, have a mountain of ****, have a
river of ****, or find yourself up **** creek without
a paddle. You can slice ****, spread ****, dunk ****
or jump ****, and some people just can't cut the ****.

There is fun **** and dull ****, silly **** and
serious ****. Sometimes you really need this ****
and sometimes you don't want any **** at all.
You can stir ****, kick **** or stick your ass out
the window and **** on the world. Sometimes
everything you touch turns to **** and other times you
swim in a lake of **** and come out smelling like a rose.

****! When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation. This
means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG
but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the
next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once
you know your ****, you don't need to know anything else
(Wisdom of George Carlin)
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Old 12-09-2013, 06:23   #2442
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Re: The Joke Thread

How about **** like a racehorse?
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Old 12-09-2013, 07:09   #2443
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Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
*
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
*
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to
know that your horse is about dead outside!"
*
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to
die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.
*
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to
feel better."
*
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
*
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into
the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
*
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this
time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
*
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin".
*
(Now isn't that better than a political joke.)
*
*
*
*
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Old 12-09-2013, 07:20   #2444
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THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
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Old 12-09-2013, 07:23   #2445
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
Got to find a smile in some of these.

ThisIsWhyImBroke.com :: The Internet's Mall

Coops.

Some interesting ideas.
I'm thinking of some Zombie Gnomes on one side of the front yard and Combat Gnomes on the other like they're fighting each other.


Good fun for the neighborhood.
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