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Old 06-09-2013, 19:41   #2401
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A doctor from France says: "In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."...

A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work.
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Old 06-09-2013, 21:19   #2402
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Re: The Joke Thread

Kathy buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.




At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"




"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.




"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

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Old 06-09-2013, 21:48   #2403
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Re: The Joke Thread

I think I peed a little
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Old 07-09-2013, 16:56   #2404
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Re: The Joke Thread

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
Beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . A donkey lying
Dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:


"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing
The Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression
That you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . . .
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify
The next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."


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Old 07-09-2013, 17:21   #2405
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by T1 Terry View Post
Kathy buys a pair of crotchless panties
hilarious ...

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Old 07-09-2013, 17:41   #2406
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Re: The Joke Thread

A true story from the MountIsa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

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Old 07-09-2013, 17:47   #2407
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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

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Old 07-09-2013, 17:51   #2408
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Re: The Joke Thread

Dating in 1960
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.




He arrived at her house and rang the bell.




'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she
welcomed Fred in.




'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?


Lemonade? Iced tea?'




'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
Mom brought the iced tea.




'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'
she asked.




'Oh, probably catch a movie,
and then maybe grab a bite to eat at


the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'




'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.




'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.




'Oh yes,' the mother continued,
'When she goes out with her friends,


that's all they do!'




'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.


'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'




'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began
thinking about alternate plans for the evening.




A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs
looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and
a hoop skirt, and with her hairtied back
in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.




'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.




Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue
burst into the house and slammed the
front door behind her.




'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to
her mother in the kitchen.




'The ****ing dance is called the Twist!'

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Old 08-09-2013, 07:47   #2409
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Re: The Joke Thread

Keep them coming!
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Old 08-09-2013, 14:43   #2410
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop


She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.



The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.



She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.



"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".



The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.



The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile, and told him of her predicament.



"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.



She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.



"Yes!!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!!"



The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner"

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Old 09-09-2013, 03:03   #2411
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Re: The Joke Thread

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . .

'Here, iron this. Then get me a beer'.
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Old 09-09-2013, 18:53   #2412
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Re: The Joke Thread

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes.

Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that
instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to
a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen"


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Old 09-09-2013, 18:57   #2413
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Re: The Joke Thread

Childbirth at 65


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

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Old 09-09-2013, 18:59   #2414
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Re: The Joke Thread

SUNDAY MORNING SEX


I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

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Old 09-09-2013, 19:03   #2415
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Re: The Joke Thread

lie detector robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the **** out of her, not once , but three times.
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