Cruisers Forum
 


Join CruisersForum Today

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Rating: Thread Rating: 11 votes, 4.45 average. Display Modes
Old 03-09-2013, 14:07   #2386
Registered User
 
Snore's Avatar

Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: St Petersburg
Boat: Tartan 33
Posts: 1,880
FrankZ



Having known Mr Motlow's brew for over 40 years -your joke was GREAT
__________________

__________________
"Whenever...it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off- then, I account it high time to get to sea..." Ishmael
Snore is offline  
Old 03-09-2013, 19:01   #2387
Senior Cruiser
 
Therapy's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: W Florida
Boat: The Jon boat still, plus a 2007 SeaCat.
Posts: 6,894
Images: 4
Re: The Joke Thread

: Frank Feldman





A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f_____ wife."
__________________

__________________
Who knows what is next.
Therapy is offline  
Old 04-09-2013, 01:47   #2388
Moderator Emeritus
 
Coops's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern NSW.Australia
Boat: Sunmaid 20, John Welsford Navigator
Posts: 9,550
Re: The Joke Thread

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.



Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.



'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.



'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.



They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.



After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.



The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'



'No,' she replies. . .







Wait for it. .








It's coming. .










This was so bad I just had to pass it on.




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?









She says :



'You just happened to catch my eye".

Coops.
__________________
When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
Coops is offline  
Old 04-09-2013, 01:50   #2389
Moderator Emeritus
 
Coops's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern NSW.Australia
Boat: Sunmaid 20, John Welsford Navigator
Posts: 9,550
Re: The Joke Thread

A WOMAN”S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

The End

Coops.
__________________
When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
Coops is offline  
Old 04-09-2013, 01:52   #2390
Moderator Emeritus
 
Coops's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern NSW.Australia
Boat: Sunmaid 20, John Welsford Navigator
Posts: 9,550
Re: The Joke Thread

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all
night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex
all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?

Coops.
__________________
When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
Coops is offline  
Old 04-09-2013, 02:59   #2391
Moderator
 
carstenb's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: May 2012
Location: Copenhagen
Boat: Jeanneau Sun Fast 40.3
Posts: 4,936
Images: 1
Re: The Joke Thread

Two friends, Jeff and David, had finished playing tennis and had taken showers. As they were getting dressed, Jeff noticed David putting on an extremely tight pink lace thong.

"Jesus Dave, when the hell did you start wearing that kind of women's underwear?"

"Ever since my wife found a pair under the seat of my car" he answered.
__________________
I spent most of my money on Booze, Broads and Boats. The rest I wasted - Elmore Leonard
carstenb is offline  
Old 04-09-2013, 10:34   #2392
Registered User
 
avb3's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida/Alberta
Boat: Lippincott 30
Posts: 9,913
Images: 1
True story but fits well here.

There is an annual contest at Bond University, Queensland, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's chosen term was, "political correctness".

The winning student wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the clean end.''
__________________
If your attitude resembles the south end of a bull heading north, it's time to turn around.
avb3 is offline  
Old 04-09-2013, 17:25   #2393
Moderator Emeritus
 
Coops's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern NSW.Australia
Boat: Sunmaid 20, John Welsford Navigator
Posts: 9,550
Re: The Joke Thread

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check."There's no charge," she says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."

Coops.
__________________
When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
Coops is offline  
Old 04-09-2013, 23:44   #2394
Registered User

Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Fethiye Turkey
Boat: Lagoon 440
Posts: 3,164
Re: The Joke Thread

NAUGHTY,,,BUT FUNNY !!

Carol was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a sex party at a hotel and arrested a whole group of prostitutes, Carol among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Carol's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter standing in line.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Carol told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied
"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted.
__________________
"Political correctness is a creeping sickness that knows no boundaries"
Lagoon4us is offline  
Old 05-09-2013, 03:11   #2395
Moderator Emeritus
 
Coops's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern NSW.Australia
Boat: Sunmaid 20, John Welsford Navigator
Posts: 9,550
Re: The Joke Thread

Pat had felt guilty all day long, no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure
him: "Pat , don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:







"Pat, You're a vet..."

Coops.
__________________
When somebody told me that I was delusional, I almost fell off of my unicorn.
Coops is offline  
Old 05-09-2013, 06:53   #2396
Moderator
 
noelex 77's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Living on dirt waiting for our new yacht to be built.
Boat: Half built Bestevaer.
Posts: 10,619
Re: The Joke Thread

This is latest add to convince you how realistic LG TV's are

They covered a window with a TV and invited in unsuspecting people for a "job interview" the TV shows the view that would be expected with a normal window with one difference half way through the interview the screen shows a meteor striking the earth.

The reactions look too genuine to staged, but who knows.
Very funny anyway, enjoy


__________________
noelex 77 is online now  
Old 06-09-2013, 02:06   #2397
Registered User

Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: All over Southern Africa. Trailer sailer
Boat: MacGregor 26 M 2007
Posts: 19
Re: The Joke Thread

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase....

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?

"Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"


Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth:
"And did my husband say that as well?"


Maria: "No Señora....The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
__________________
SKIPPER2C is offline  
Old 06-09-2013, 05:24   #2398
Wayfaring Mariner
 
captain58sailin's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Homer, AK is my home port
Boat: Skookum 53'
Posts: 4,045
Images: 5
Re: The Joke Thread

Too funny .
__________________
" Wisdom; is your reward for surviving your mistakes"
captain58sailin is offline  
Old 06-09-2013, 19:18   #2399
Registered User
 
BigJohn's Avatar

Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 134
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by SKIPPER2C View Post
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase....
good one mate ...

__________________
BigJohn is offline  
Old 06-09-2013, 19:24   #2400
Registered User
 
sctpc's Avatar

Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Melbourne Australia
Boat: saga kan walker 31ft
Posts: 545
Send a message via Skype™ to sctpc
Re: The Joke Thread

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister.

She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.




The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
__________________

__________________
May there always be water under your boat,

sctpc is offline  
Closed Thread

Tags
Jokes, paracelle

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:48.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.