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Old 03-03-2009, 14:38   #226
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Four Types of Female Orgasm

They are, in order, the Positive, the Negative, the Religous and the Fake.

Positive: Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes....

Negative: Oh no, oh no, oh no...

Religous: Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...

Fake: Oh Dave, Oh Dave, Oh Dave...

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Old 03-03-2009, 15:02   #227
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Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Alice and Frank are bungee jumping one day and Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." Frank thinks that this is a great idea so they pool their money and but everything they need; tower, bungee cord, insurance etc...
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, they thought it would be a good idea to give the crowd a demonstration.
Alice suits up and jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has some cuts and scrapes. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls and bounces up again. This time she is bruised and bleeding. Again Frank misses her and the cycle repeats itself. This time she comes up barely concious with obvious broken bones. Frank finally catches her. He asks if the cord was too long. Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No. The bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a Pinata?"

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Old 03-03-2009, 15:38   #228

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Three people , a Russian , a Yank and a Canadian are having an arguement over who has the most advanced medical technology.
The Russian said "In moscow we had a man ran over by pickup truck. There vas nuthink left of him but his arm. Ve took that arm and made a whole new man out of it. Now that man is out looking for vork."
Y The Yanks said " That's nuthin. Why down in Amarillo Texas we had a guy ran over by a car and there was nothing left of him but his finger. We took that finger and made a whole new man out of it. Now that man is out looking for work."
The Canadian said "That's nothing. In ottawa we had a guy ran over by a Via rail passenger train . there was nothing left of him but his ******* . we took that ******* and made a prime minister out of it now we have a million people out looking for work
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Old 06-03-2009, 09:23   #229
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This incident took place in Dublin a while ago and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock take, it's true according to local towns people.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic.

Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was travelling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him.
Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door.

Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the embankment, John started to pray for his life.

Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel.

John was paralysed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead.
Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub.

Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience he just had.
A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked
in to escape the stormy night. They, like John, were soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, 'Look Paddy, there's that f*@#* idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it.'
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Old 06-03-2009, 15:16   #230

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Joke thread

Four people were flying over the Atlantic, Obama, Harper, Gord Brown and a boy scout. Over Newfoundland, the pilot came on the PA and said " We have an engine problem. You are going to have to bail out . Only one problem, we only have three parachutes. You are going to have to settle among yourselves who gets one."
Obama said "I'm running the most powerful country in the world. I have to survive." He grabbed a parachute and bailed out. Harper said "I'm the brains of Canada. I have to live." He grabbed and bailed.
Brown said to the boy scout "What do we do now?" The boy scout replied " Don't worry mister. We still have two parachutes. The brains of Canada just grabbed my packsack."

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Old 10-03-2009, 09:38   #231
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The Ship's Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Ships Officers.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

A Deck Officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Engineering Officer said it was 50-50%.

A Chief Warrant Officer responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Admiral turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir," began the seaman, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
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Old 11-03-2009, 11:28   #232
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> >>>
> >>> A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
> >>> Paperwork, and was burned out.. Hoping to try another career where
> >>> Skillful
> >>> hands would be beneficial; He decided to become a mechanic.
> >>> He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
> >>> attended diligently, and learned all he could.
> >>> When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
> >>> prepared
> >>> carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
> >>> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
> >>> obtained
> >> a
> >>> score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I
> >> don't
> >>> want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder
> >>> if
> >>> there is an error in the grade.
> >>>
> >>> "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
> >> perfectly,
> >>> which was worth 50% of the total mark.
> >>>
> >>> You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth
> >>> 50%
> >> of
> >>> the mark."
> >>>
> >>> After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because
> >>> you
> >>> did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
> >>> career"
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Old 12-03-2009, 05:41   #233
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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock

(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.

While his coffeepot


was perking, he shaved with his

electric razor


He put on a

dress shirt


designer jeans



tennis shoes


After cooking his breakfast in his new

electric skillet


he sat down with his



to see how much he could spend today. After setting his



to the radio


he got in his car


filled it with GAS

(from Saudi Arabia )

and continued his search

for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end

of yet another discouraging

and fruitless day

checking his


(Made In Malaysia ),

Joe decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals


poured himself a glass of



and turned on his



and then wondered

why he can't find

a good paying job

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Old 12-03-2009, 06:36   #234
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That is not a joke (except perhaps on humanity) but rather a reflection on reality.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors - and miss."
Robert A Heinlein
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Old 12-03-2009, 07:59   #235
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My dear daughter sent me this, via email....interestingly enough I can tick off quite a few
You Might be an Engineer If
  • Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
  • Dilbert is your hero.
  • Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
  • In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
  • On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.
  • People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
  • The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
  • The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
  • The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
  • The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
  • When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
  • You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
  • You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
  • You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.
  • You are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
  • You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
  • You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
  • You are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.
  • You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
  • You can name at least six Star Trek episodes.
  • You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  • You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
  • You can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket.
  • You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
  • You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
  • You carry a list for everything except the groceries.
  • You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
  • You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
  • You disdain people who use low baud rates.
  • Your car has a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.
  • You ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.
  • You ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
  • You find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.
  • You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
  • You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
  • You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
  • You have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard.
  • You have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what RPN stands for.
  • You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".
  • You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
  • You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
  • You have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows already.
  • You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.
  • You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
  • You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
  • You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
  • You know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
  • You know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.
  • You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
  • You know what http:// stands for.
  • You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
  • You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home banking software.
  • You own "Official Star Trek" anything.
  • You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
  • You rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.
  • You rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
  • You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
  • You see a good design and still have to change it.
  • You spend more time on your home computer than in your car.
  • You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
  • You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
  • You talk about trellis code modulation at parties.
  • You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
  • You think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.
  • You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
  • You think your computer looks better without the cover.
  • You thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.
  • You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
  • You walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the time.
  • You window shop at Radio Shack.
  • You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
  • You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
  • You've already calculated how much you make per second.
  • You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
  • Your checkbook always balances.
  • Your dress clothes come from Sears.
  • Your favorite actor is R2D2.
  • Your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor".
  • Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.
  • Your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.
  • Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
  • Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
  • Your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.
  • Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.
  • Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner.
  • Your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
  • Your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries.
  • Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
  • Your wristwatch has more computing power than a 450 MHz Pentium.
  • Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:59   #236
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Itís been a bit of a challenge; but I finally finished reading the entire internet this morning.

Here's the final page:

The Internet cannot be displayed.
The site you are looking for is not experiencing technical difficulties, it is simply the end of the Internet.

Please try the following:

* Click the Refresh button , with no effect.
* If you typed the page address in the Address bar, then don't worry, it is probably spelled correctly.
* There is no need to check your connection settings, or click the Tools menu, or click Internet Options. Your settings probably match those provided by your local area network (LAN) administrator or Internet service provider (ISP).

That really is not the problem.
* If your Network Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft Windows can examine your network and automatically discover network connection settings. That will not help either. So the link to Detect Network Settings is not set to function. Relax.
This really is the End of the Internet
* You could Click the Help menu and then click About Internet Explorer - but that won't change a thing.
* If you wish, you could Click the Back Button - not that it will make any difference!
* Click the Bomb button if you think it will help.
It won't.

No Errors Found
This is the end.

See also:
Gord May
"If you didn't have the time or money to do it right in the first place, when will you get the time/$ to fix it?"

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Old 12-03-2009, 12:22   #237
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I had no idea I was an engineer. That explains allot.
Old 12-03-2009, 14:55   #238
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You described me about 90%.
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Old 12-03-2009, 17:35   #239
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I remember when my missus went shopping for blinds and I worked out the transfer of energy from the edges not fitting properly and the amount of heat, in watts, entering the room because of the only moderate reflectivity of the surface. The salesperson got very shitty when I said the advertised figures didn't stack up. I was dragged away before it ended in a full scale verbal stoush.
Don't know why people think we have poor people skills. I can talk for hours about lots of things with other engineers. Other people simply haven't taken the effort to understand out language.
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Old 13-03-2009, 06:03   #240
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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

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