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Old 29-08-2013, 15:52   #2341
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived
a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that
a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic
and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies
department and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather
gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent of his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter:




Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go
out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen
the long one with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to
remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little tight on her. She also said that they rub against
her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it
since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ron

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with
a little bit of fur showin.

Coops.
A(nother!) good one Coops!

Would love to see someone 'pen' the clever response to that letter...
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Old 29-08-2013, 16:15   #2342
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Re: The Joke Thread

I like the one where he puts the two guys to fighting each other, funny!
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Old 29-08-2013, 16:59   #2343
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Re: The Joke Thread

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled look, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Coops.
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Old 29-08-2013, 17:03   #2344
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Coops.
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Old 29-08-2013, 17:09   #2345
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Re: The Joke Thread

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia.

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

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Old 29-08-2013, 17:16   #2346
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no! He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

Coops.
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Old 29-08-2013, 19:50   #2347
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Story of A Man's Life.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser, and am now looking for a girl with big tits.

Coops.
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Old 29-08-2013, 20:45   #2348
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
The Story of A Man's Life.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser, and am now looking for a girl with big tits.

Coops.
God if someone had sat me down and told me that one before. If only!
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Old 30-08-2013, 16:02   #2349
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Re: The Joke Thread

Always let the woman speak first.

Lucky Escape | Directed by Shane McCabe - YouTube

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Old 30-08-2013, 16:10   #2350
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Re: The Joke Thread

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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Old 30-08-2013, 17:34   #2351
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Re: The Joke Thread

So, there was this Australian dentist...

And one day, in came a Kiwi yottie who asked how much a root canal would cost.

Dentist: Well, if there are no complications, about 2000 dollars.

Kiwi: Oi, I'm a poor yottie, and simply don't have that much money. Is there any way we could get that cost down a bit?

Dentist: We could do it without anesthesia, and that would save 500 dollars.

Kiwi: OOhhh, that's a help, but still way out of range... anything else?

Dentist: Well, I could use old instruments instead of new, and that would save another 300. I could run them through the autoclave and that would get rid of most of the bacteria.

Kiwi: Getting better, but still too much...

Dentist: Well, I guess that I could have my apprentice do the procedure. He's never done one before, but I reckon he is ready to try it on, and that would save big... I think that if we did all of these cost reducing things it would only cost about 300 dollars, and that's the best I can do for you.

Kiwi: Still a lot of money but if that's the best, well OK.

Dentist: When would you like to come in for this?

Kiwi: Oh, I'll have to ask my wife... she's the one with the bad tooth!

Jim
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Old 31-08-2013, 05:09   #2352
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Re: The Joke Thread

How do you tell if a girl is ticklish...?

Give 'er a couple of test-tickles!
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Old 31-08-2013, 17:33   #2353
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Re: The Joke Thread

A blondes year in review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

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Old 31-08-2013, 17:37   #2354
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Re: The Joke Thread

During the Sunday service, the local Vicar explains that his outgoings
are greater than his wage from the parish and hence he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships,
stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the
Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally contribute to enable a doubling of
his salary. And, I will establish a foundation to guarantee private
secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*** the Vicar'.
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Old 31-08-2013, 17:43   #2355
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Re: The Joke Thread

Irish Maths Test

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9.."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.




"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go"




The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."




The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."


"So, when do I start?"

Coops.
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