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Old 27-08-2013, 19:34   #2326
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Re: The Joke Thread

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he
asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he
could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that
Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.
Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
So I don't really want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame." said Batman as he waved goodbye to
Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a
city when he saw the Green Lantern.
"Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're
a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in
comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is
far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't
you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but
I didn't realize she had gotten around so much." and
he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a
field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the
middle of the field, with her legs apart.


Superman was tempted. He
thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding
bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and
gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a
dazed ___expression. "What the hell was that??" she
exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he
rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."

Coops.
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Old 27-08-2013, 19:48   #2327
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Too funny, I was laughing so hard I could hardly breath!
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Old 28-08-2013, 06:57   #2328
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Re: The Joke Thread

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first ...football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!"
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Old 28-08-2013, 14:54   #2329
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Re: The Joke Thread

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

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Old 28-08-2013, 15:04   #2330
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Re: The Joke Thread

Enjoyed this. Must be the Pommy in me.



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Old 28-08-2013, 15:21   #2331
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Re: The Joke Thread

Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying " Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic *******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window; so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ******* too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I
live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an *******!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an *******!" But I didn't hang up. He asked, "Are you
still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me,"He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, in a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.

"He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, *******," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover!

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news
helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!

Coops.
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Old 28-08-2013, 15:29   #2332
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Re: The Joke Thread

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "SH1T,
SH1T, SH1T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

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Old 28-08-2013, 19:03   #2333
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Re: The Joke Thread

you're on a roll mate ...

don't stop ...

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Old 28-08-2013, 19:12   #2334
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Re: The Joke Thread

I hope this hasn't been posted before....
The wife had been in a coma for some time and all efforts to snap her out of it had failed.

So the doctor says to the husband ... 'we've tried just about everything.... one thing we haven't tried is letting her experience intense pleasure .. so we would like you to give her bit of oral sex... it just may work...'

'OK ' says the husband and disappears behind the screen....

Less than two minutes later there is a scream and the husband says ' Oh my god, she's dead....'

'What happened?' sez the doctor....rushing in.

.
.
.

'I think I choked her.........'
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Old 28-08-2013, 19:40   #2335
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops
Enjoyed this. Must be the Pommy in me.



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Old 28-08-2013, 19:52   #2336
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Re: The Joke Thread

Bravo Coops! Hurrah!!

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Old 28-08-2013, 19:59   #2337
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Re: The Joke Thread

Fer Christ Sake he's got his own friggin web site! Coop's Jokes

rodlmao!
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Old 29-08-2013, 03:39   #2338
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived
a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that
a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic
and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies
department and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather
gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent of his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter:




Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go
out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen
the long one with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to
remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little tight on her. She also said that they rub against
her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it
since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ron

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with
a little bit of fur showin.

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Old 29-08-2013, 08:40   #2339
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What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

I was told that a buffalo is an animal and a bison is what an Aussi washes his hands in!
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Old 29-08-2013, 09:03   #2340
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Re: The Joke Thread

The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.


"What happened?" she asked anxiously.



"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"


"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."


A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation -she didn't receive your email."

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