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Old 22-08-2013, 15:39   #2296
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Re: The Joke Thread

An Irishman, an Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman are sat waiting with their sons to be interviewed at a school open day. As the atmosphere is tense, the English chap pipes up,
“Hello everyone. Let me introduce you all to my son. His name is George as he was born on St George’s day.”
The Welsh guy sighs with relief and says,
“What a coincidence. This is my son David, born on St David’s day.”
“I don’t believe this,” says the Scotsman, “this is my son. His name is ANDREW, and he was born on St Andrew’s day!!!”
With that, all eyes turn to the Irishman, who jumps up, grabs his son by the hand and says,
“COME ON PANCAKE, THIS IS EMBARRASSING!”

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Old 22-08-2013, 16:20   #2297
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Re: The Joke Thread

Long before the whiteman came to America, a young Indian boy asked his father...
"How did I get my name"?
The wise old chief looked at his son and explained...
"Well, when sister born, I look out Tipi and see waterfalls, so I call sister falling water..."when brother born, I look out Tipi and see wolf running, he name "Running Wolf"...."Why you ask 2 dogs screwing"?
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Old 22-08-2013, 19:41   #2298
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Re: The Joke Thread

A coachman rushing home in the mid night. Because he knew there is a haunted mansion along the road. All the sudden, the horse stops. Coachman growls to the horse. "What the matter!"
And he found out two fully dressed ladies are calling him. He went near by and said "Good evening mum.." he can not say a word because these ladies were not human but dogs in perfect dress. Dogs said very politely " Would you take us to the mansion just along this road?" He was shocked but nodded because he did not know what else he can do. Then two dogs came into the coach and he started it. In front of the mansion two dogs off the coach and paid more than enough money and said "Thank you so much. Have a good day." showing the big brutal tooth. He somehow understood that was smile. He nodded and rushed the horse and said to himself. " That was horrible! This is my first time to see the talking dogs!!"
"Me too!!"
the horse shouted.
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Old 22-08-2013, 20:07   #2299
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Re: The Joke Thread

"There are four kinds of people in the UK - First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.

Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
"
"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each left 5,000 pounds by a rich man on condition that after his death they would each put 100 pounds into his coffin in case he needed it in the afterlife. The Englishman and the Irishman duly put in their hundred pounds. The Scotsman put in a cheque !

"
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Old 24-08-2013, 19:58   #2300
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Re: The Joke Thread

Today is Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa
Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and
postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts; the
attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

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Old 25-08-2013, 00:02   #2301
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
Today is Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa
Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and
postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts; the
attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

Coops.
This must be a really old joke. Einstein would be 134 now.
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Old 25-08-2013, 01:11   #2302
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Re: The Joke Thread

It's not Albert, it's his brother Frank.

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Old 25-08-2013, 11:42   #2303
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER CAN UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS STORY,

A man was at the country club...
..."Just kidding - She died more than two hours ago -
What'd you shoot?"

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Old 25-08-2013, 11:59   #2304
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Re: The Joke Thread

There are two rules in life:

1. Never give out all the information
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Old 25-08-2013, 13:32   #2305
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Re: The Joke Thread

Three guys were playing golf, a doctor, a priest & an engineer.

They got held up behind a group of 6 guys that were going very slowly because they just couldn't seem to hit the ball.

The Priest went up to the greens keeper to ask who these 6 guys were. The greens keeper explained that they were the blind firemen. They had all lost their sight when they rushed into the club house to rescue people during a fire many years before & now the club let them play for free whenever they wanted.

The priest went back to his friends & explained the situation.

The doctor said "I have an ophthalmologist friend. I'll check to see if there is anything that he can do for them."

The priest said "& I'll surly say a prayer for them tonight."

The engineer then replied "Can't these guys play at night?"
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Old 25-08-2013, 19:52   #2306
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Re: The Joke Thread

A priest was playing golf with a nun as his caddy.
In the beginning of the round the priest had an easy put to make, but missed it. Upon missing he exclaimed "God damn it!"
The nun was shocked and exclaimed father God will strike you down for such blasphemy.
A couple rounds later again the priest had an easy put, but missed. And he exclaimed "God damn it! Missed again." Very concerned now the nun insisted the priest must not blasphemy or he would be struck down.
On the last hole again the priest had an easy put and again he missed. "GD missed again!"
Just then clouds began to roll in, thunder boomed, and a lightning bolt struck the 18th green killing the nun dead. A booming voice from the sky was heard, "God damn it! Missed again!"
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Old 25-08-2013, 20:00   #2307
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Re: The Joke Thread

"I Have Outlived My Pecker"
A poem by Willie Nelson



My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,



And watch me tie my shoes!


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Old 25-08-2013, 20:23   #2308
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Rondo Normal View Post
Oh Coops, you slay me!
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Old 26-08-2013, 00:38   #2309
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Re: The Joke Thread

The two scottish golfers were playing a round. As the one (named john) was getting ready to put, a hearse with a long train of cars passed by.

Jpohn broke off his stance, took off his six-pence and bowed his head slightly. When the funeral train had passed he put on his cap and got ready to put.

"John, me lad," said the other golfer, "I dinna think you were so polite. I'm proud of ya."

"Only seemed proper," replied John. "after all, we have been married for 37 years"
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Old 26-08-2013, 01:00   #2310
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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