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Old 19-08-2013, 23:09   #2281
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Re: The Joke Thread

How do you kill a circus quickly? Go straight for the juggler. (Big groan)

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Old 19-08-2013, 23:15   #2282
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Re: The Joke Thread

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't."

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Old 20-08-2013, 01:02   #2283
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A pirate walks in to a bar and orders a large mug of rum. The bartender notices a ships steering wheel sticking out of the pirates pants. He says to the pirate "mate yeeve got a steering wheel in yer briches". The pirate blinks his one good eye and says "arghhhh it be driving me nuts".
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Old 20-08-2013, 01:34   #2284
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Re: The Joke Thread

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a

well. The animal cried piteously for hours as

the farmer tried to figure out what to do.


Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the

well needed to be covered up anyway;


it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.


He invited all his neighbors to come over and

help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began

to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

donkey realized what was happening and cried

horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he

quieted down.


A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally

looked down the well. He was astonished at what

he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his

back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.


As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel

dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it

off and take a step up.


Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey

stepped up over the edge of the well and

happily trotted off!


Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out

of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:


Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.


Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.


Live simply and appreciate what you have.


Give more.


Expect less


NOW ............


Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,


and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.


The gash from the bite got infected and


the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:


When you do something wrong, and try to cover

your ass, it always comes back to bite you.


Coops.
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Old 20-08-2013, 02:11   #2285
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two sharks eyeing off a scuba diver...
Old shark says to young shark 'whatever you do don't eat the silver thing on its back..... it'll just make you phart'.
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Old 20-08-2013, 05:45   #2286
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a

well. The animal cried piteously for hours as

the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the

well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and

help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began

to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

donkey realized what was happening and cried

horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he

quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally

looked down the well. He was astonished at what

he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his

back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel

dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it

off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey

stepped up over the edge of the well and

happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out

of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover

your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Coops.
Haha that was a church story 30 years ago maybe the only one I remember, but I do
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Old 20-08-2013, 05:56   #2287
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seaworthy Lass View Post

+1
I am getting withdrawal symptoms from not having my fix with my morning cuppa today .

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+1 first site I go to in the morning. I especially like the Australian jokes - I can pass those along to my daughter who lives in Hobart (we're in the US)
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Old 20-08-2013, 05:57   #2288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END

Coops.
FYI this story applies to the US as well!
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Old 20-08-2013, 07:04   #2289
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two Australians decide to go out for some "entertainment" . So they go out to the fields and they standing, looking down at a flock of sheep. The first chap starts running down the hill - the other shouts "Why ya running?" the other replies "Ya don't want to get an ugly one".........
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Old 20-08-2013, 07:32   #2290
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Re: The Joke Thread

A dairy farmer was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses , leans out the window and asks the farmer "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the farmer. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant ." says the farmer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........ Now give me back my dog."
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Old 21-08-2013, 17:53   #2291
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Re: The Joke Thread

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


Coops.
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Old 22-08-2013, 01:07   #2292
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Re: The Joke Thread

"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you
haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now"

...... Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the
phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the
bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just
pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped
over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He
was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water last week to clean it. He
hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

****Longer Pause****

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool... ?? ...... Is this
9439- 1457

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Old 22-08-2013, 15:29   #2293
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Re: The Joke Thread

A story from the pages of the Manchester Evening News:

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window..


For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."


The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
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Old 22-08-2013, 15:33   #2294
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Re: The Joke Thread

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".


Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.


Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.


Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.


The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?

The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna **** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off"

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Old 22-08-2013, 15:37   #2295
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Re: The Joke Thread

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER CAN UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS STORY,

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple
of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all
eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the
club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than
10. He was jubilant; then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted,
"You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? - I hope you're
proud of yourself! - While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's
just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more
than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the
clock care - And you'll be her care giver!"..

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started
to snicker and said, "Just kidding - She died more than two hours ago -
What'd you shoot?"

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