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Old 18-08-2013, 00:48   #2266
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Can we please now return to the jokes??
+1
I am getting withdrawal symptoms from not having my fix with my morning cuppa today .

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Old 18-08-2013, 01:08   #2267
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Re: The Joke Thread

At your command lovely lady.

In the early hours of the morning, a husband and wife are awakened from their slumbers by a loud and persistent hammering on the front door.The wife tells the husband to go and see who it is. So the husband gets up, not in the best of tempers and heads for the front door.When he opens the door he sees a man standing on the doorstep.
"What do you want?" snaps the husband.
"I want a push" comes the reply.
The angry husband tells the stranger to go away, using very colourful language and stomps back to bed and the mrs.
"Who was it?" asks the mrs.
"Some stranger looking for a push but I sent him away" says the husband.
"That's not nice" says the mrs."Remember when you broke down and needed help, someone pushed you to the garage. Go down and give the man a push."
So the husband gets up once again muttering some unsavoury things under his breath and heads for the front door. When he opens the door the stranger is not there anymore.So he shouts out,"Hello"
He hears a "Hello" back from the stranger.
Husband "Do you still need a push?"
Stranger "Yes"
Husband "Where are you?"
Stranger "On your swing"

Coops.
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Old 18-08-2013, 01:13   #2268
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Re: The Joke Thread

One day a beautiful young woman went into hospital to undergo a routine operation on her private parts. A nurse showed her into the operating theatre, told her to remove her clothes and put her feet in stirrups, legs spread wide.

After the nurse left the theatre, a man in a white coat walked over to her, looked between her legs and walked back to another man in a white coat and they began talking in lowered voices.

The second man then walked over to the woman and began examining her intimately, prodding here and there, then he walked back to the first man and began talking again.

Suddenly a third man in a white coat arrives, walks over to the woman, examines her breasts and feels her backside.

"Excuse me," said the woman, "All these examinations are alright, but when are you going to start the operation?"

"I dunno," said the third man in the white coat, "We're just here painting the corridor!"

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Old 18-08-2013, 01:22   #2269
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Re: The Joke Thread

THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END

Coops.
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Old 18-08-2013, 02:04   #2270
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Re: The Joke Thread

But we don't have squirrels in Aust Coops, you know that :lol: must have been one of those possoms that take all the good jam samwiches and steal the food put out for the cockatoos....

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Old 18-08-2013, 02:20   #2271
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by T1 Terry View Post
But we don't have squirrels in Aust Coops, you know that :lol: must have been one of those possoms that take all the good jam samwiches and steal the food put out for the cockatoos....

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scary squirrel world - SQUIRRELS IN AUSTRALIA
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Old 18-08-2013, 02:47   #2272
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Re: The Joke Thread

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That was funny, maybe Kevie could send them to New Guinea as well
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Old 18-08-2013, 02:59   #2273
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Re: The Joke Thread

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

T1 Terry
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Old 18-08-2013, 03:00   #2274
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Quote:
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...(or, for that matter, blonde) jokes, ...
Why do blondes have such deep belly buttons?

Because their boyfriends are blonde too...
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Old 18-08-2013, 08:34   #2275
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Yeah, sorry Rondo.
Late at night I get grumpy and turn into Conan the Grammarian...
lol, that's okay. If it weren't late at night, you might have noticed that the post was simply quoted, then copy/pasted from the quote. Some dry humour that I didn't really believe anyone would catch anyway.
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Old 19-08-2013, 15:13   #2276
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, itís quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."


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Old 19-08-2013, 15:17   #2277
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Old 19-08-2013, 16:34   #2278
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Re: The Joke Thread

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the

son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and

around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the ***** inside!"

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Old 19-08-2013, 17:09   #2279
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Anyone know about MSD's (Material Data Sheets) are all harzardous materials supposed to come with them? After an exhaustive Goolgle seearch this was all I could find
Exquisite!!!!
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Old 19-08-2013, 22:12   #2280
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Two canibals were eating a clown. One turned to the other and said, "does this taste funny to you?"
Love ALL the jokes (makes my day ) but this one made me LOL!!

Ps. Love the Conan the Grammarian comment too. Am passing that on to my English teacher friend.
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