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Old 24-02-2009, 16:17   #211
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place . .. smack his ass again!'
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Old 24-02-2009, 16:25   #212
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GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery.


One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said:'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck
to her behind that said.....''From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
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Old 25-02-2009, 04:28   #213
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Subject: Fwd: Helping the younger generation


Two guys, one old timer and one young, were pushing their carts around
Costco when they collide.

The old timer said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. What a strange coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
worried."

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?"

The young guy replied, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde
hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight
white shorts, a halter top and no bra. By the way, what does your wife
look like?"

The old timer said, "It doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old timers are helpful like that!
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Old 25-02-2009, 04:30   #214
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, and then goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong, honey. I love you.'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we have any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too!'
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Old 25-02-2009, 07:18   #215
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A preacher was checking into a motel and said, "I certainly hope the porn channel for my room is disabled."
The night clerk gave him a dirty look and said, "It's just regular porn you sick bastard."
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Old 25-02-2009, 08:59   #216
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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
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Old 25-02-2009, 19:53   #217
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Old 25-02-2009, 20:12   #218
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Thegirlis, your Guinness joke reminded me of my old History of England professor at Colorado State. When he was working on his PhD at Oxford, he told us, he and a few of his colleagues (after several rounds at the local pub) thought it would be interesting to have the Guinness they had been consuming for months sent to a laboratory for analysis.

A short time later, they received the report from the lab, which stated:

"Sir, your horse has diabetes."

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Old 02-03-2009, 06:41   #219
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Subject: FW: New supermarket experience.....











A new supermarket opened in Calif. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk shelves hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.




I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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Old 02-03-2009, 08:38   #220
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Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other'.

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it, honey?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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Old 02-03-2009, 08:51   #221
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The
> >> material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
> >> sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
> >> stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
> >> disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
> >> germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
> >> most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
> >> here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
> >> years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
> >> man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
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Old 03-03-2009, 10:17   #222
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he Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the edge of a forest in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it into the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'
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Old 03-03-2009, 10:27   #223
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Subject: Oh, To Be Six Again


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.


?I'd like to be six again?, she replied, still looking in the mirror.


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monste Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.


He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with herhusband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

?Well Dear, what was it like being six again??


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ?I meant my

dress size, you retard!!!?


The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,

?he is gonna get it wrong.
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Old 03-03-2009, 10:35   #224
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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the
Ottawa river . The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I
can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the
same age and we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Crock, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small 'Crock.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the
Parliament Buildings.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?''Well, I crawl up under
one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them
and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're
not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
a**hole and a briefcase.'
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Old 03-03-2009, 14:04   #225
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Things Got Ya Down?
Well Then, Consider These ...

In
a hospital's intensive care unit, patients always seemed to die in the same
bed, always on a Sunday morning, and always at about 11:00 am - regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
might have something to do with the supernatural.

No
one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths had
occurred, so a team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of these incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before
11:00 am, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to
see for themselves what this terrible phenomenon might be. Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to
ward off evil spirits.

Just
when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson - the part-time Sunday janitor -
entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the
vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad
Day???
The average
cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of these expensively-saved animals were
released back into the wild water amid cheers and applause
from onlookers. A minute later, in full view of the crowd, a killer
whale ate them both.

Still think you?re
having a Bad Day???
A woman
came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically - almost in a
dancing frenzy - with a wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked
him with a handy 2 x 4, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are ya better now?
No???
Two animal
rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a
broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were
trampled to death.

What??? You still think
you?re having a Bad Day???
Iraqi terrorist
Khay Rahnajet didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb. It came
back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
bomb he?d mailed, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is indeed
good!
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