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Old 06-08-2013, 19:24   #2206
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Re: The Joke Thread

This still makes me laugh, everytime.



Coops.
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Old 06-08-2013, 19:50   #2207
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestialsailor View Post
A mother had to give up her twins from birth. One ended up in Egypt and was named, "Amul". The other went to Spain and was named "Jaun". 20 years later the mother who was now married, received a letter from Jaun telling her where he had ended up and how good his life was. Accompanying the letter was his picture. This brought the mother to tears, Her husband tried to comfort her. The mother said, "Oh I wish Amul would do the same, so I could see how he looks. Just then the husband said..."Well honey...if you've seen Jaun...you've seen Amul".
Not necessarily, they could have been fraternal twins. As a mother of identical twins, I do know (and have seen) the difference.
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Old 06-08-2013, 19:50   #2208
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
This still makes me laugh, everytime.



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You are on a roll tonight, my sides hurt!
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Old 07-08-2013, 05:45   #2209
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Re: The Joke Thread

A new wife's poem.


He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't make the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do..
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
Smacked him one

Like his mother used to do.

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Old 07-08-2013, 12:18   #2210
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The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to St. John's to investigate him. GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand; he's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally." GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to -the mentally challenged one." Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
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Old 08-08-2013, 00:21   #2211
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Re: The Joke Thread

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:43   #2212
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by SmartMove View Post
Not necessarily, they could have been fraternal twins. As a mother of identical twins, I do know (and have seen) the difference.
Uhhhh...it was a joke
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:59   #2213
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestialsailor View Post
Uhhhh...it was a joke
Huh? OMG, I just got that! That's so funny, tee hee...
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Old 08-08-2013, 10:06   #2214
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestialsailor View Post
Uhhhh...it was a joke
Oh ... Sorry just having one of my blonde moments
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Old 08-08-2013, 15:40   #2215
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Government has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be
considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced
Termination).


Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many
times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse)or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Representative, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned
off.
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Old 08-08-2013, 15:59   #2216
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two men at a bar....

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

'You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window.' The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, 'What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!' 'No, no.. it's true...' said the first man, 'let me prove it to you.' He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man , who is astonished.

'Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must have been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!' 'No, I'll prove it again,' says the first man as he jumps.

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. 'Well, what the hell,' the second guy says, 'I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!' He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... . Then his body hits the sidewalk...


Splat!!!!!

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says.....

'You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drinking.'
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Old 08-08-2013, 17:52   #2217
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Re: The Joke Thread

I thought my first post should be a joke!

A woman went to a pet shop and

immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should warn you that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says
some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this but decided she had
to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the

cage in her living room, and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,

the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then

began to laugh about the situation considering how and

where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Keith."
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Old 08-08-2013, 18:00   #2218
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Re: The Joke Thread

Parrot joke #2

A woman bought a parrot from a pet shop with the advice that the bird's history wasn't known and no one was sure whether it could speak much or at all.

After a few weeks when the parrot had settled in to its new home, and after some coaxing it began to speak a few words. To the the owner's dismay, many of the words were vulgar and it used the F word often.

She complained to the pet shop and was told to punish the bird with unpleasant experiences whenever it swore. She was told that one practice was to place the bird in a freezer for a few minutes whenever it swore.

So the woman threatened the bird with unpleasant consequences every time it swore but eventually her patience ran out and she decided to try the freezer method. After a while she took the bird out of the freezer and put it back in its cage.

"Now, every time you use vulgar words like that you're going back in there! Have you learned a lesson from this?"

The still shivering parrot replied "Y-y-yes O-O-OK, b-b-but what did that ****ing chicken do?"
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Old 08-08-2013, 18:18   #2219
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Re: The Joke Thread

Welcome to CF Wolffy!!
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Old 08-08-2013, 18:24   #2220
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Re: The Joke Thread

Thank you D&D been lurking for a while. and with that we launch into the third bird joke

This guy's wife was recovering from a terrible illness. He asks her what he can do to brighten her days. She said, "I would love to have a bird that would wake me with its song and chirp me to sleep."

So he goes to a pet shop and finds a parakeet that sings and chirps beautifully. It is very expensive, but he buys it anyway.

He takes it home and his wife is so happy. She asks her husband to set the cage right next to her bed. A few moments later, he hears her scream.

Rushing back in to her room, he asks "What's wrong?"

Pointing to the bird and crying, his wife sobs, "He's missing a leg!"

The man looks and sure enough, the bird is only standing on one foot. So he grabs the cage and drives to the pet store.

He angrily confronts the owner who wanted to know what was the problem.

"You know my wife has been ill and I wanted that bird to help her recover. And I paid top dollar too. You did not tell me that the bird had only one leg and now my wife is upset."

The shop keeper just shrugged, "Did you want a singer or a dancer?"
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