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Old 01-08-2013, 00:59   #2191
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Re: The Joke Thread

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Fleminton) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry , but mostly to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Cavier in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

T1 Terry
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Old 01-08-2013, 02:13   #2192
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Re: The Joke Thread

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds ...

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
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Old 01-08-2013, 15:58   #2193
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Re: The Joke Thread

My wife asked me the other day,


"At your age, what would you prefer to get -
Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"




I answered, "Definitely Parkinson's.


Better to spill half an ounce of Crown Royal,


than to forget where you keep the bottle."
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Old 05-08-2013, 16:04   #2194
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Hope this is a little new or at least a little funny:

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docksonce more for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her upto a room.He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needingsome reassurance, asks "How am I doing Darlin?"The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about threeknots.""Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot gettingyour money back."
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Old 06-08-2013, 00:03   #2195
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Re: The Joke Thread

My 7-year-old lad came to me, as I was working in the yard and asked me...

"Daddy, what is sex?"

I was surprised that he would ask such a question, but decided that if he's old enough to know to ask the question, then he's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling myself to leave nothing out, I proceeded to tell him all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When I finished explaining, the little bloke was looking at me with his mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on his face, I asked...

"Why did you ask this question?"

He replied...

"Mum says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex"


I've learnt to ask more questions BEFORE I answer the kids.....

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Old 06-08-2013, 01:59   #2196
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Re: The Joke Thread

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "**** me".

What happened next will haunt me forever.

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Old 06-08-2013, 02:48   #2197
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two guys discussing their favourite sex positions and one guy said his favourite position was "Rodeo Style". His mate asked how that worked. He replied, "Well, you approach your wife from behind, cup her breasts and whisper, "You know darling, from this position, your breasts feel just like your younger sister's."

"Then, you try and stay on for eight seconds".
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Old 06-08-2013, 08:20   #2198
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knapweed View Post

"Then, you try and stay on for eight seconds".
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Old 06-08-2013, 15:59   #2199
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Re: The Joke Thread

These may be already posted, but if not or for those who missed them, they're pretty amusing...

Olympic Glory
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

01. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

02. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

03. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

04. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

05. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

06. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

07. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

08. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

09. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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Old 06-08-2013, 16:07   #2200
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
09. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Well that's it, I'm taking my tennis racket out of its' bag, but probably will just leave the balls in the bag
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Old 06-08-2013, 16:18   #2201
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Re: The Joke Thread

"Always remember Old Butch"

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Royal Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

VOTE carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible."

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Old 06-08-2013, 16:25   #2202
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
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VOTE carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible.
What a hoot! ...and very timely wisdom for us as well.

Thanks Coops...love your work!!
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Old 06-08-2013, 17:16   #2203
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Re: The Joke Thread

.. I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.



Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring, and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET

UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, Ďa loose watery bowel movement may result.'



This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but also I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?



Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.



If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Coops.
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Old 06-08-2013, 17:29   #2204
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Re: The Joke Thread

Strange medical visits.

For instance I saw the doctor today and despite the embarassment I had to drop my trousers and underdaks to show him a terrible rash on my old fella.
He seemed pretty uncomfortable, then as he grabbed his wife and shopping trolley and walked out of the supermarket he said, "Why don't you make an appointment at the surgery?"

That was a tad embarrasing but I had been seeing him previously..

Let me explain, I am a duck hunter and was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when I decided to take a leak.....

I walked over to a tree and propped up my gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged - shooting me...... in the genitals!

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, I was approached by my doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets.'

'Thank God” I said, “What's the bad news?'”.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to your willie, so I'm going to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' I replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Australian Symphony Orchestra.
She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.'

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Old 06-08-2013, 19:05   #2205
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Re: The Joke Thread

A mother had to give up her twins from birth. One ended up in Egypt and was named, "Amul". The other went to Spain and was named "Jaun". 20 years later the mother who was now married, received a letter from Jaun telling her where he had ended up and how good his life was. Accompanying the letter was his picture. This brought the mother to tears, Her husband tried to comfort her. The mother said, "Oh I wish Amul would do the same, so I could see how he looks. Just then the husband said..."Well honey...if you've seen Jaun...you've seen Amul".
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