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Old 16-07-2013, 05:27   #2176
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Re: The Joke Thread

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Coops.
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Old 16-07-2013, 08:54   #2177
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 16-07-2013, 09:00   #2178
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Re: The Joke Thread

Now that is down right cruel!!
But funny as hell!!lol!
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Old 16-07-2013, 09:22   #2179
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Re: The Joke Thread


Norman & the prostitute
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

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Old 16-07-2013, 10:23   #2180
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Re: The Joke Thread

Have'nt read the entire post so hope this is not a repeat:

Old man and his wife visit the Dr. Dr explains that he needs a semen sample, urine monster and stool from the old man.

Old man does not hear very well so leans over to his wife and asks "WHAT DOES HE WANT?"

She replies "HE WANTS YOUR UNDERPANTS!"
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Old 16-07-2013, 10:30   #2181
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Re: The Joke Thread

Old man goes in for a operation to his groin. Voluptuous young blond nurse comes in, strips him down and shaves his nether's in preparation.

The old man, bless his soul, get's an erection.

The nurse pipes up and says that that's not bad for a man of 85!

The old man answers that that's nothing - when he was young he could hang a bucket of sand over it and walk across a football pitch.

"Wow", replies the nurse, "and now?"

"Well now" replies the old man, "I only get to the quarter line and then my knee's give in"
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Old 22-07-2013, 02:34   #2182
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.


"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."


When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked


"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"


"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.


"You mean measles?" she asked.


"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."


The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.


As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.


"Don't tell me," she said.





"Let me guess..."






"Smallcox"

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Old 22-07-2013, 16:19   #2183
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Re: The Joke Thread

15 Second SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE









....It takes less than 15 seconds....



If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.



How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S



*

*

*

*

*

*

*



Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?



You do NOT have Alzheimer's. But you are a Pervert.
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Old 23-07-2013, 16:16   #2184
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Re: The Joke Thread

MALE VS. FEMALE LOGIC.

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: £3

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at £270. In one year, it would be approximately £3,250 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend £3,250, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at £65,000 .. correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
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Old 24-07-2013, 00:01   #2185
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Where’s your Ferrari?
She spent her money on clothes that she only wore once or twice and now still hangs in the walk-in closet after 20 years.
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Old 25-07-2013, 10:26   #2186
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Re: The Joke Thread

Navy Sensitivity vs. Marine Tact




Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was severely injured while ejecting from his
A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the aircraft
carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital

staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on flight status but
eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always
sensitive about his appearance.

One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine
Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type, and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes,
Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your starboard ear,
and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact, and threw him out of his
office

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question,

answered, "Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw
him out, as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate,
extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put
together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same
question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact
lenses."

The Admiral was impressed, and thought to himself, 'What an incredibly
tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?", the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses
with only one f**kin ' ear!"
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Old 26-07-2013, 01:00   #2187
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Re: The Joke Thread

Brown wetsuits anyone?



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Old 26-07-2013, 06:58   #2188
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
That's funny.

Good thing the swimmers were missed.
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Old 27-07-2013, 04:33   #2189
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Re: The Joke Thread

I have a little Satnav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones

My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions

Especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says

"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then

I could turn the bugger off!

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Old 28-07-2013, 12:27   #2190
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Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
MALE VS. FEMALE LOGIC.

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
This made me laugh.
But in defence of females I drink beer - probably only 2 a day ... and I've only been drinking for 10yrs ... perhaps that's why I only have a Porsche 911...

A Ferrari if I stopped... ;-)

Beer related:
What's a twig that's been to school?
Bud
What's a twig that's been to college?
Budwise
What's a twig that went to uni?
Budweiser

That was made up whilst Drunk...and at uni...I should give up beer!
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