The Joke Thread

[Jim Cate]

Sailing to Italy
A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Harbour.

Just before she could throw herself off Circular Quay, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.

I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain "This is the
Manly Ferry

*****

And for you non-Aussies, the Manly Ferry isn't a body building poofter!

[D&D]

Cowboy and Indian in Colorado....
Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief!)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and
keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."

[Coops]

Heavy metal bagpipes.

Bagpipe "Thunderstruck" with flames. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Coops

Heavy metal bagpipes.

Bagpipe "Thunderstruck" with flames. [VIDEO]

Coops.

My kilt wearing nephew should get a kick out of that one.

[jeanathon]

I guess the flames are the reason he is missing the customary long hair?

[PieRatPeat]

So two mathematicians meet in the corridor of their building and one asks the other "so what are you working on?" The second mathematician replies "I've been working on this interesting proof, come into the lounge and I'll show you".

The two go into the faculty lounge and the guy starts to work out his new proof. After chugging along for about 15 minutes, he turns to the first guy and says "so here, you'll see that the answer is therefore obvious". The first guy stares at it for quite while. He makes a few notes on the side of the board, then stares some more. He scribbles more and stares more.

The first guy eventually shrugs and goes home. The other guy keeps working well past midnight. He finally goes home and collapses in bed, but is clearly obsessed with the problem. Over the next few days, he keeps working on it in his every spare moment. He fills the white board in his office, the one he has mounted in the garage at home and he even fills the old blackboard in the abandoned classroom in the old lab. Finally, one day he jumps up, punches his fist in the air and screams "Eureka!" at the top of his lungs. He runs down the corridor, into the classroom where the other mathematician is holding a seminar and yells out:

"You're right, it's obvious!"

[Matt sachs]

"You're right, it's obvious!"

Thats funny! been there done that.

[D&D]

Why Grandfathers are different.
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single *******, **** head, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist left wing fruitcake, blind bastard, dipshit, arab camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Therapy]

St Louis Approach control...

St. Louis Approach to United: "United 123 best forward speed to the outer marker, you're number one."

United 123 (male voice): "Roger, balls to the wall."

St. Louis Approach to American: "American 4321, you're number two behind a United 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

American 4321 (female voice): "Roger. I can't do balls to the wall, but I can do wide open."

(silence on the frequency for a few seconds)

Unidentified Pilot (male voice): "Is American hiring?"

[T1 Terry]

Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"

Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"

Paddy asks "How do you know?"

Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"

T1 Terry

[Coops]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Coops.

[carstenb]

Since I am over 60, I can attest to the complete accuracy of of this:


MENDEL'S DEFECATORY PRINCIPLE

This is a deceptively simple philosophy that a friend has been working on and refining for most of his life. I am delighted to say that I believe he has refined it down to its essence - sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity. This is Nobel Prize material.

[Coops]

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen

Coops.

[T1 Terry]

A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian:
"You see how clever we are?
You'll never beat that!"

The Australian says to the Kiwi:
"Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Australian says:
"Look in the Kiwi's pocket!"

T1 Terry

[Krogensailor]

My wife ask if I could help out with the house cleaning. I said sure, "what do you want me to do?" She said, "when your done using the toilet, use the brush, that would help". After a few weeks she ask me how it was going using the brush. I said, "I'm doing it, but I prefer the toilet paper".