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Old 16-04-2013, 16:56   #2086
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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Old 17-04-2013, 01:22   #2087
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Re: The Joke Thread

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your a***hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

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Old 18-04-2013, 01:42   #2088
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man wakes up at the Gold Coast Hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Pacific Highway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite bench tops."

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Old 18-04-2013, 20:17   #2089
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Re: The Joke Thread

The word 'shark' was coined in 1549 when English sailor, William Michael Griffen saw a great-white swimming towards him and in sheer panic tried to scream three different swear words at the same time.

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Old 20-04-2013, 21:05   #2090
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Re: The Joke Thread

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Marine Designers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

KISS
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Old 21-04-2013, 15:54   #2091
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Re: The Joke Thread

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:



FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.


8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!


___________________________________________



FREE PUPPIES


1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


________________________________________________



FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.


Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


__________________________________________________ _____



COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.


__________________________________________________ ______



JOINING NUDIST COLONY!


Must sell washer and dryer £100.


__________________________________________________ ___________



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.


Worn once by mistake.


Call Stephanie.


__________________________________________________ _________



And the WINNER is...



FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.


Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.


No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.



(Statement of the Century)


__________________________________________________ _________
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Old 23-04-2013, 17:29   #2092
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Re: The Joke Thread

A burglar broke into a house one night.He shined his flashlightaround, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
"Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you ?"

'Moses,' replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:24   #2093
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Re: The Joke Thread

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head
and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your
Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and 36"HIPS.




When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ !".
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Old 01-05-2013, 10:59   #2094
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Re: The Joke Thread

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
___________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________________

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
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Old 01-05-2013, 16:02   #2095
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A. "Seriously, how do you manage to drink through THAT?!?"
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Old 01-05-2013, 21:04   #2096
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Re: The Joke Thread

A nun goes into a liquor store and buys a 1.5 liter bottle of tequila.
The clerk says to her " I have not seen you in here before. Are you sure you should be buying this big bottle of tequila?"
The nun replies, "It is okay. It is for the mother superior for medicinal purposes."
With that she leaves the store. After closing time the the clerk sees the same nun stumbling down the street. He approaches her and expresses his disappointment that she has lied to him, but she says slurring her words and weaving, " Honest it is for the mother superior's medical condition!"
"Honestly sister!"
"No really. The mother is constipated, but when she sees me she's going to sh!t!"
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Old 01-05-2013, 21:30   #2097
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Love these jokes! They really do make my day.
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Old 04-05-2013, 16:03   #2098
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Re: The Joke Thread

A little bit clever.

It's not what you're expecting... [VIDEO]

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Old 04-05-2013, 17:32   #2099
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Re: The Joke Thread

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text...

if you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband's reply,

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
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Old 04-05-2013, 22:57   #2100
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Re: The Joke Thread

Phil's scrotum
The Best Story of the Year:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want
to tell my wife the word is sternum."

T1 Terry
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