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Old 20-02-2009, 04:26   #196
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A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female

teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to

learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon),

but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was

decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with

the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the

men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them

could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the

boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one,

holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from

their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was

unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher

said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
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Old 20-02-2009, 09:19   #197
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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!



The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
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Old 20-02-2009, 12:05   #198
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Talking

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Dumbass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
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Old 20-02-2009, 12:07   #199
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An Octopus

An Octopus walks into a bar and claims to the drinkers he is a musical
octopus and can play any instrument they throw at him

An english guy throws him a guitar and say "Alright then play this',
the Octopus takes the guitar and plays it better than Jimi Hendrix.

An amazed irishman points over to a piano in the corner and say 'ok, play that then',
the octopus takes a pew at the piano and plays better than Mozart.

Amazing! A Scottish guy in the pub then throws the Octopus a set of
bagpipes and says 'well I bet you can't play that!'

The Octopus fumbles around with the bagpipes for a moment or two without producing a sound.
The Scottish guy, thinking he has one over the Octopus says 'What's up Mr Octopus, can ye nae play it?' with a smirk on his face.

The Octopus replies 'Play it??! I'm gonna fu*k her brains out when I
figure out how to get her pyjamas off!'
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Old 20-02-2009, 12:09   #200
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Why parents drink

The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME"
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Old 20-02-2009, 12:11   #201
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," asks the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey replies, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome "
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to the Pope, asking "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,*"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe"
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Holy Father a final time and demands, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
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Old 20-02-2009, 12:14   #202
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No wonder the auto industry is in a pickle...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason, whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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Old 20-02-2009, 12:21   #203
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Why?

I got a parking ticket the other day; I pleaded insanity.

The other day at work a woman came up to me and said "your socks don't match, one's blue, the other's brown". I said "yes they do, I go by thickness"

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of
the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't
afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the
top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon
called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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Old 20-02-2009, 12:23   #204
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A man received a call from his parents saying that his great uncle would be visiting for a few days. Now his great uncle was a famous WWI flying “ace” from the Netherlands. Trying to figure out what to do with his great uncle, the man decided he would invite him to the next Rotary Club luncheon and ask him to give a presentation of his exploits, flying during WWI.

After introductions at the luncheon, the great uncle began telling of his adventures. He said “Und der I vas, der ver Fokkers to the left of me and Fokkers to the right. I dove sharply left and rat-ta-tat-tat I got one..”

Well, at the mention of “Fokker” the man man heard a little tizzy go up around the room, so he quickly stepped in to explain. He said that a Fokker was a type of German bi-plane that was used during the war and this was what his great uncle was referring to.”
The great uncle just stared at him and then said “Oh no! Dese fokkers vas Messerschmidts.”
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Old 21-02-2009, 03:22   #205
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With aplogies to the female gender here.

Women drivers.

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Old 21-02-2009, 04:22   #206
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A firefighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration.

'Thanks' the little girl said.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat' s testicles.

'Little Partner,' the firefighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster!'

The little girl replies, thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'
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Old 21-02-2009, 04:27   #207
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This is too Funny!! This is Hysterical.



Obviously written by a guy, so forgive his

somewhat explicit expressions... A bit gross,

but still humorous...

Thought y'all should read this in case you're

thinking of installing an electric fence!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard,

and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries

increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got

an electric fence and ran a single wire along the

top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest

cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for

26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove

7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the

key, with the more you have in the ground, the

better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the

back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel

pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying

out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I

unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower

around the wire and reached down to grab it,

to throw it out of the way. It seems as though

I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running

lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt f

fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the

charger is about the size of a marine battery and

has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on

the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice

is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my

body My ears curled downwards and I could feel

the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of

my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled

over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was

literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the

POS lawnmower were fighting over who would

control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap,and pee at the same

time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three

at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times

in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix

kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping

along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM

you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like

there were minutes in between but in reality it

was so close together it was like exhaust pulses

from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2

seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand

is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let

go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric

fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers

made by International or whoever that were like 9

volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.

The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals

from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river

bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to

have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower

runs out of gas.'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I

just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has

settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some

kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in

poop, pee, and with my balls on my chest I think

'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo,

it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and

remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor

waiting for the go command from its owner's right

foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees,

80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging

God to kill me. God did not take me that day...

he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe

in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The

lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later

on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two

large dead grass spots where I had been standing,

and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire

had laid while I was on the ground still holding on

to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the

resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I

realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet

and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, when all mixed together, do not smell

as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now.

Seriously! I think our little session cleared out

some carbon fouling or something, because it

was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet

they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by

farting while thinking of the number 4

(still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound

respect for things. I appreciate the little things more,

and now I always triple check to make sure the fence

is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to

come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what

my security system will do to him, and THAT gives

me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also

reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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Old 22-02-2009, 05:52   #208
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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you ha arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL:
Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer!
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Old 22-02-2009, 06:53   #209
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay View Post

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here tha the Pope does.'

MORAL:
Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer!
The Other Moral:

It's probably not best to take medical advice from a priest.

(Everyone knows arthritis is caused by sleeping on your stomach!)
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Old 24-02-2009, 11:30   #210
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This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the head up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the head.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the head and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the head, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Pump the head fast for a full minute. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the companionway hatch.
Be sure that there are no people between the head and the main companionway.

7. Stand behind the head as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the head, streak through the main salon,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the head and the cat will be sparkling clean.
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