The Joke Thread

[WrenchBender]

Originally Posted by BigJohn

now this is a hard sell ...



boats n hoesss

Now thats funny!

[D&D]

A Politically Incorrect Look Back At 2012 . . . .


To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,

Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs!

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40!

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots, Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon!

-------------------

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face

I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel . . !!!

-------------------------

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

They're both in hospital, one's in a korma and

the other's got a dodgy tikka!

----------------------

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.

You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead

and anything else they could get their bloody hands on!

-------------------------------

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth!

[gbanker]

shoes? Are there shoes in that picture?

[Nikolina]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny .

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... Again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a
Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

[D&D]

Irish Courtroom Drama

.......

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You Bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom........ "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says.......


"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[Coops]

Boat handling and bravery at it's best.

A "professional rescue" is on its way. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by Coops

Boat handling and bravery at it's best.

A "professional rescue" is on its way. [VIDEO]

Coops.

That is really funny.............in a sad sort of way............

[Coops]

Coops.

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Coops

Coops.

LOL!! I bet whoever saw the fighting octopus used the bottle opener a bunch before writing it!

[Coops]

I haven’t had much luck with food sales and delivery lately... The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a Thin and Crusty Supreme, They sent me Diana Ross.

Coops.

[gbanker]

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by D&D

A Politically Incorrect Look Back At 2012 . . . .


To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,

Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs!

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40!

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots, Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon!

-------------------

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face

I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel . . !!!

-------------------------

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

They're both in hospital, one's in a korma and

the other's got a dodgy tikka!

----------------------

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.

You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead

and anything else they could get their bloody hands on!

-------------------------------

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth!

That is funny and guaranteed to offend a large portion of the pop.

[carstenb]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Birthday gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
_____________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since.."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed.. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_____________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
____________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'..
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started........

[Coops]

Elephants have long memories

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories.
__________________

Coops.

[Therapy]

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!